a case of hysteria, part 2

my son max is involved with a rock band called "a case of hysteria," which band i wrote about back in june of this year.

last night, we had a meeting at our home of the band members, their parents, and the d.j. from the radio program i had mentioned in my previous post who wants to act as their "developer" - groomer? mentor? help them polish their live show and get them gigs at various venues, make a demo in a recording studio, develop further their "myspace" (which is huge in the recording industry, actually, but more on that later)...all for a mere percentage of whatever monies they would make for such appearances. he has "ins" in a lot of places, not the least of which is the House of Blues in atlantic city....there is no telling where this could lead.

let us pause for a moment to consider all of this.

what, are you KIDDING me? this band started out last fall by a whim of a music teacher at the high school who assigned his students to form a band and at the end of the year, compete at the school in the battle of the bands. and now they have been *noticed* to such an extent as to have this young guy take these kids under his wing because he was impressed with their performance at the high school show, loved their professionalism at the radio station, and thinks they have the potential to go places (at which he jokingly? said "i am a certified high school teacher and could tutor them when they go on the road"...)

ha!

we all agreed that this would be a good thing to do. as soon as the demo has been cut, i will let you know and do something to hook up a song to my sidebar for your listening pleasure, as well as market tee shirts and logos...we are in need of a logo, by the way - so if there are any graphic artists out there desirous of helping create one for an up-and-coming musical talent for cough-freeofchargeorclosetoit-cough, that would be spiffy.

(can you even believe it?)

friendship - rhetorical question of the weekend

People Listening to Music in a Camp

Photographer: Paul Viant & Carrie Beecroft

A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter; he who finds one finds a treasure... Sirach 6:14

friends.

i met a blogging friend on wednesday. he was in the state on business and he came to have dinner with me and my family (molly was unavailable as she was away on vacation, can you imagine?) we had a wonderful evening, filled with wine, samuel adams summer ale, amazing foodstuffs, plenty of conversation and lots of laughter. it was one of the warmest, most wonderful times in recent memory that i can recall in having company for dinner. my family also adored him, which is great because i think of him as a brother.

friends, as i have discussed before, are difficult to come by - making friends with the opposite sex is even more difficult to maintain as there is always a level of sexuality (assumingly) that enters into it -- but does it have to be that way? can we, as mature, thinking, rational adults - have friends that are of the opposite sex without it turning into a game of cat & mouse replete with sexual overtones and innuendo? can it remain platonic?

is it healthy for a relationship (married) for your spouses to have friends of the opposite sex?

your thoughts, while still being moderated, are most welcome :)

happy feast day of st. martha!

Johannes (Jan) Vermeer

Christ in the House of Martha and Mary

1654

NG 1670

~*~*~*~*~

thank you, elena, for reminding me :)

today is the feast day of my patron saint, Saint Martha. for some who are unaware, my blog used to be called "martha, martha" - i changed it for the sake of doing away with some of the worrying that my patroness used to do, but with some of the events as of late, i am certainly wondering if that was the wisest decision i could ever have made? (enter *worrying*)

back to martha:

Martha and Mary were sisters, related not only by blood but also by religious aspirations. They stayed close to our Lord and both served him harmoniously when he was among them. Martha welcomed him as travelers are welcomed. But in her case, the maidservant received her Lord, the creature her Creator, to serve him bodily food while she was to be fed by the Spirit.

No one of you should say, "Blessed are they who have deserved to receive Christ into their homes!" Do not grieve or complain that you were born in a time when you can no longer see God in the flesh. He did not in fact take this privilege from you. As he says, "Whatever you have done to the least of my brothers, you did to me."

- from a sermon by Saint Augustine

that's my girl :)

as an aside, the one link above from fisheaters states at the outset that she was the sister of Mary Magdalen -- ::huh:: ?? -- was it not Mary of Bethany? anyone? anyone?

comment moderation...

...has been enabled here until further notice because i am away from the computer more often than not any more, and because i received another round of completely illogical and disturbing comments that had i not been here to delete, same would have served to fuel imaginations that need not otherwise be fueled especially because of the falsehood of said comments.

in the meantime, your comments (well, most of your comments) are inherently welcomed; i will get to them as soon as i am able and will post them when possible.

does that explain things well enough?

i am hoping so...

~peace.

i am expecting :)

ben & kelly

apparently in a couple of years, i am going to be a mother-in-law :)

after the initial shock wore off (ben told me while i was sitting at the computer, not necessarily what one would expect to hear after not seeing him for several days), i can honestly say that only God could have brought this precious young lady into his life.

only God.

thorns

i am in desperate need of some grace, and prayers to fight against a temptation (thorns?) - please, if you have a minute, i know it is sunday, but storm the heavens.

thanks.

What We Feel Is Not Who We Are

Our emotional lives move up and down constantly. Sometimes we experience great mood: swings from excitement to depression, from joy to sorrow, from inner harmony to inner chaos. A little event, a word from someone, a disappointment in work, many things can trigger such mood swings. Mostly we have little control over these changes. It seems that they happen to us rather than being created by us.

Thus it is important to know that our emotional life is not the same as our spiritual life. Our spiritual life is the life of the Spirit of God within us. As we feel our emotions shift we must connect our spirits with the Spirit of God and remind ourselves that what we feel is not who we are. We are and remain, whatever our moods, God's beloved children.

a spot-on word from the Henri Nouwen Society

sinners welcome

David C. Halliday
Tuscan Grapes I, 1998
sepia toned silver print
16 x 10

~*~*~*~

a friend of mine turned me onto a poet named mary karr - she is stark and bold and brave and i dare say a bit raw -- and a Catholic convert. the article that led me to her story is here. it actually moved me enough to order two of her books, one of which is titled above and the other, the liars club. i just began that on the beach today as i've already finished sinners welcome - here is a bit of her writing (again, she is not for everybody, but i liked her enough to give her a mention...) those of you who know me well enough can understand why she resonates with me...




Disgraceland

Before my first communion at 40, I clung
to doubt as Satan spider-like stalked
the orb of dark surrounding Eden
for a wormhole into paradise.

God had first formed me in the womb
small as a bite of burger.
Once my lungs were done
He sailed a soul like a lit arrow

to inflame me. Maybe that piercing
made me howl at birth,
or the masked creatures
whose scalpel cut a lightning bolt to free me --

I was hoisted by the heels and swatted, fed
and hauled through rooms. Time-lapse photos show
my fingers grew past crayon outlines
my feet came to fill spiked heels.

Eventually, I lurched out to kiss the wrong mouths,
get stewed, and sulk around. Christ always stood
to one side with a glass of water.
I swatted the sap away.

When my thirst got great enough
to ask, a stream welled up inside;
some jade wave buoyed me forward;
and I found myself upright

in the instant, with a garden
inside my own ribs aflourish. There, the arbor leafs.
The vines push out plump grapes.
You are loved, someone said. Take that

and eat it.

"is it hot enough for ya?"

in our region, it is expected we are to get up to about 98 degrees F, which means where i will be (the kitchen at work), it will be much, much hotter. i will get two questions today: "is it hot enough for ya?" and "are you okay? you look like you are going to pass out!"

in fact, i will keep a count of both. i tend to get red in the face when i overheat (which is why i don't like to work out, tyvm, because people fear for my life and feel i am going to drop of a heart attack or other such malady) and don't do well when i have any attention drawn to me for that reason.

on a positive note: yesterday, in an act of exceeding bravery because i have my new eyeglasses securely in hand, i put my contact lenses in without issue. even took them out in less than 15 minutes' time -- i figured i had the pressure off so what they hey, give it a try :) who knew? at least i won't have my glasses sliding down my nose every five minutes today while i am in the sauce at work, so that's a plus.

if you could, join with me in praying for those who work in the heat of the day across the board. it can be brutal, unless you are sitting in an air-conditioned atmosphere sipping sweet tea while you are reading this....

journeying...converging

my son has begun his weight loss journey. his life and health depend upon it...he's 1.5 weeks into it and he's already lost close to 5 pounds. it is a small step toward a big direction but an important step, nonetheless. it is medically-supervised and there is a great deal of accountability involved; i think i am learning as much as he is along the way and it is pretty neat to see him emerge from the cocoon he's been sheltering himself in (and maybe me, too).

and that is a good thing.

on another note, a dear friend and fellow blogger is coming for dinner a week from wednesday as he has business in nj and we have decided instead of going out to eat, we will have dinner at my home with my family and feature amazing jersey things, along with imported and domestic *beverages*....

anyone else going to be in the neighborhood? feel free to drop in...that is, if you can hang with the "d's" -- we are a chaotic bunch, but it should be fun. he's like my brother, anyway, so he should fit right in :)

photo credit: dorothea lange

And whoever gives only a cup of cold water

to one of these little ones to drink
because he is a disciple --
amen, I say to you, he will surely not lose his reward.

i am hoping in this Word today as i feel like i have been floating for a time now....i've been wandering in the desert and the words that came to me at church this morning were thirst and nurture, endear, love, yearn, longing (several times though, "thirst" -- i guess He wanted me to *get it*).

for some reason, i do not think it is meant for me to give drink to the thirsty; i believe He wants me to thirst after Him.

do i?

do you?

considering lily

Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luke 12:27


amen :)

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

familial love

i have a very active, very chaotic family - one that lives and shows love to each other in various ways, some not quite so desirable actually, but i have come to realize they may not speak the same love language as i do, and that is okay.

for the most part :)

at a recent "team meeting," we went over my agenda at the table (don't think i didn't have one, not for one second!) and we outlined how things have been going the past six months since our last team meeting vs. how i would like to see them "get going again" based on lapses of positive outpouring of love and support for the hard-working parents. one of the things i threatened to do was "go brady bunch on them" and get a board o' chores. the resounding response was "Yes!!" they need to have things spelled out for them, and now that i know that, i can work with them on this :) (yep, even my almost 22 year-old...) the official board o' chores is pictured for your amusement. personal telephone number x'd out by my sweet photoshop skills.

i read so many blogs but barely leave many comments because i just cannot do some of them justice; so i don't even attempt. one such blog is Holy Experience - my friend ann v.'s. i cannot leave comments because it is her journal to God, but man, do i ever learn from her musings!! she simply sets a standard for loving and having her children learn to love one another that i think is incomparable (i am being complimentary and am hoping she will not stop by and scold me for saying so...she's humble, too...)

another one is the ever-popular shannon from rocks in my dryer -- she cracks me up and seems like someone who would be the best girlfriend to have, ever! i love her style of parenting and when i feel a twinge of wistfulness about how my kids treat each other, especially after reading ann's lovely thoughts on how hers love on one another, shannon always seems to have something that makes me laugh and i wonder: can we not all learn from each other, regardless of how chaotic our families are (or are not)?

thank you, ladies. how timely both of your messages were to me (and i am guessing to one or two others out here, as well...)

hope

Gate (themepost) uploaded by Bb

~*~*~*~

Hope is with you when you believe
The earth is not a dream but living flesh,
That sight, touch, and hearing do not lie,
That all things you have ever seen here
Are like a garden looked at from a gate.

You cannot enter. But you're sure it's there.
Could we but look more clearly and wisely
We might discover somewhere in the garden
A strange new flower and an unnamed star.

Some people say we should not trust our eyes,
That there is nothing, just a seeming,
These are the ones who have no hope.
They think that the moment we turn away,
The world, behind our backs, ceases to exist,
As if snatched up by the hands of thieves.

~~Czeslaw Milosz

comments have been changed back...

...to blogger comments. yeah, with that pesky word verification, too.

i still have in the archives all of the comments leading up to today, but nothing from haloscan will show up. they just came up a bit short and i wanted to be able to turn comments on/off if i so chose.

there ya have it :)

from the depths of the sea

( Size: 120cm x 140cm Oil and acrylic on canvas )

Leila Kubba Kawash 1996.

it's been a long time since i have had an angst-ridden, anxiety-filled post, so i figured i am a bit overdue. that, and i did not want you to think i was totally cured and no longer neurotic; that statement could not be farther from the truth.

what i am finding myself mired in as of late is a number of different muddles, none the least of which is missing the routine of daily Mass. it was a routine; however, anything but rote. the one thing i feared the most about the demands of my new job was the balancing act between serving God through my position(s) and serving Him through my prayer and worship. yes, work is worship, but i think most will understand what i mean.

so in not being where i feel most safe and secure, over the past six months i have found myself falling back into bad habits. habits that to most would seem most innocuous, but to me, knowing myself and the things that send me spiralling backward into my junk, i am finding myself making excuses and justifying behavior that simply is not justifiable. i will not cite any instances, you will have to simply trust what i say is true.

part of what has me perplexed, however, is the fact i find myself not trusting God to fill this void i have of needing (feeling?) the adrenaline rush of certain bad behaviors. in a long conversation with a friend yesterday, and what a God-send she was, she said "don't we have enough going on in our lives that we needn't go 'looking for it'?" how much sense did that make to me? i go "looking for it." i am a thrill-seeker. i seek the adrenaline rush that i get only from certain temptations. problem is, sometimes i do not have to look for it -- it is simply "there." it shows up, unannounced, like a relative that you simply do not care for but have to deal with because they are on your doorstep. then it invites itself in, plops on the couch, puts its feet up and starts using the remote. you wonder how long it will be around for? what you can do to help it back out the door? suddenly, you find yourself comfortable with its existence...and then don't do much at all to usher it out.

yesterday's Mass held some pretty on-point Scripture verses for me, most particularly:

And to keep me from being too elated by the abundance of revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I besought the Lord about this, that it should leave me; but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Lord, if i am to be honest here, i will admit: i am NEVER content with my weakness, insults hurled against me, hardships, persecutions and/or calamities. i do not suffer from an abundance of revelations, but i definitely have a thorn that i have been given to deal with and i have ignored it for so long, i feel as though i have submerged myself into the depths of the sea of avoidance in trying to deal with it in even a remotely godly way. i read blogs of friends that request -- read that -- request the pain so they can be more aligned with Jesus in His sufferings! oh, Lord!! i am nowhere near that.

question is, was i ever?

i still feebly beseech the Lord to have this *thing* leave me, but alas, He has remained silent (which is certainly His right). i have remained silent on these things, as well; i can no longer keep it buried within me because i know i need for it to surface so i can face it head-on and deal with it. i have also lulled myself into the complacent thinking that after having been submerged for so long, the pain of facing the truth of it so quickly may bring on the bends.

however, failing to do so may also lead me into a spiritual paralysis. question is, which is worse?

after 30 (or so) years of wearing glasses...

Healing the Blind
Zak Benjamin

~*~*~*~*~

...i thought i would tell y'all i got contact lenses yesterday!!

silly, i know, but even sillier is my phobia of sticking something into my eyes without a numbing agent so guess who has to go back to the doctor's once a month to have them removed and then new ones put in?

(I AM SUCH A BABY. I ADMIT IT AND I HAVE NO SHAME.)

yep, a monthly prescription and it is so far so worth it, save for the inordinate amount of blinking i am doing.

::blink, blink::

part of the reason behind my decision to modernize is because in the O.R., i have to wear my glasses and a shield and they both get foggy and it is impossible to push my glasses up my nose once i am scrubbed in. amazing how a part-time job can have such a tremendous effect on me in more ways than one. the other reason is simplistic: just being able to wear sunglasses that are a few bucks and are okay to lose, not the prescription ones that have been misplaced or that one pair that floated out to sea...

if only Jesus were here and He could have made a paste of dirt and spit....then i'd have no need for a prescription at all :)

new york, new york

for molly's 13th birthday, we promised her a day trip to new york city with her best friend. we went on thursday. the city itself is amazing with an energy not easily described - the colorful people, the cabs, the buildings, the tremendous amount of activity... (blurry shot intended. hard to describe crazy, quivering, wondering, wild city without a blurred photo of same!)

we were exceedingly tourist-y this time around, beginning with lunch at the hard rock cafe. our waiter was cool (called me "baby girl," his tip increased by 10% simply because of the endearment) and we were off to the wax museum.

i won't bore you with too much of the waxy stuff, but it was pretty cool. here is our first shot of the girls with louis armstrong -- they were more excited when they saw stars like usher, but for the most part, they posed seriously campy with most of the pop figures. i was more excited when i saw Pope John II and Nelson Mandella (oh, okay...and Johnny Depp!) i was thrilled to act like i was friends with ernest hemmingway, however...

afterward, we went to one of the coolest make-up places around -- sephora. jimbo found his way to a record store while the girls looked at girlie makeup things and i found my way to the perfume area (love smells, did i ever mention that?) after being in there for a bit, we went outside and found ourselves being talked into a city-wide bus tour - 2 1/2 hours in length, takes you through manhattan and the outskirts like soho, greenwich village, brooklyn, little italy, chinatown...we could get off whenever we wanted at a designated stop and every 15 minutes a new bus comes along that you can re-board. not a bad deal.

we got off in soho :) and got bombarded by men selling "rolex watches" and "buds..." hooboy. found a vendor we liked and shopped a bit at a flea market, then it was back on the bus and through the rest of the city.

we went through the area where the twin towers were - our guide informed us that the media calls it "ground zero," new yorkers refer to it as the world trade center. it was very sobering, regardless of how it is referred to...we went through wall street, the seaport, and by the brooklyn bridge, which was also really neat to see in person. it reminded me, of course, of woody allen's "manhattan" -

did i mention i saw woody allen, too?

i am uploading some of my pics onto flickr - if you are interested in browsing them. they are nowhere near as good as all my photography friends i have met (in fact james - i took some shots of clouds and thought of you because of your beautiful panoramic shots you do...i could have used your help!)

it was an incredible day that ended with us going, again, to yet another touristy place: planet hollywood. it would have been non-descript were it not for the fact that marykate & ashley walked in behind us, and the two boys that are in a horrid disney show "the sweet life of zack & cody" were also in the building. i thought molly was going to faint dead away and she even tried to weasel her way up to the private party they were involved with, signing autographs.

to no avail.

we figured that was as good a time as any to end the day :)

next time, we are going strictly to the village and doing things that are off the beaten path -- the seaport looked amazing, too.

anyone want to go with?

for julie d.

eat your heart out, girlie :)

okay, he may be a wax figure, but dag -- are you so jealous?

:)



(so very much more to follow our day-long adventure in NYC - un-be-liev-able. incredible day and will come back with stories and pictures...suffice it to say i want to live in greenwich village. i am going to retire there :)

wrath

anger
from wiedmaier - flickr

~*~*~*~*~

one of the seven deadly sins and i truly experienced it for the first time today. i mean, i've been upset before, i've had words with people, been pretty downright frustrated over a situation, but i was over the moon, out of orbit, filled with complete rage.

i am so not kidding.

not to minimize anything by my gummy picture, but how do i get over being so angry? i realized i could have let loose on the object of my anger but chose not to, but had hapless victims along the way.

i mean erupting, totally and unconditionally pissed off beyond comprehension. words flew from my mouth like water gushing from a geiser and if i could have physically hurt this person who was inflicting more salt into my woundedness, i would have.

i chose, when i returned, to ask for the name of the manager of the office and will completely level said receptionist with my rhetoric.

or not.

how do you deal with anger?

i have never been so angry that i had an out of body experience. please pray that i am "one and done."

thanks.

Independence Day Address

PEACE
NEW YORK, SATURDAY, JULY 8, 1865.
Harper's Weekly

~:~:~:~

Fellow-citizens: I am very glad to see you to-night. But yet I will not say I thank you for this call. But I do most sincerely thank Almighty God for the occasion on which you have called. [Cheers.] How long ago is it? Eighty odd years since, upon the Fourth day of July, for the first time in the world, a union body of representatives was assembled to declare as a self-evident truth that all men were created equal. [Cheers.]

That was the birthday of the United States of America. Since then the fourth day of July has had several very peculiar recognitions. The two most distinguished men who framed and supported that paper, including the particular declaration I have mentioned, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, the one having framed it, and the other sustained it most ably in debate, the only two of the fifty-five or fifty-six who signed it, I believe, who were ever President of the United States, precisely fifty years after they put their hands to that paper it pleased the Almighty God to take away from this stage of action on the Fourth of July. This extraordinary coincidence we can understand to be a dispensation of the Almighty Ruler of Events.

Another of our Presidents, five years afterwards, was called from this stage of existence on the same day of the month, and now on this Fourth of July just past, when a gigantic rebellion has risen in the land, precisely at the bottom of which is an effort to overthrow that principle "that all men are created equal," we have a surrender of one of their most powerful positions and powerful armies forced upon them on that very day. [Cheers.] And I see in the succession of battles in Pennsylvania, which continued three days, so rapidly following each other as to be justly called one great battle, fought on the first, second and third of July; on the fourth the enemies of the declaration that all men are created equal had to turn tail and run. [Laughter and applause.]

Gentlemen, this is a glorious theme and a glorious occasion for a speech, but I am not prepared to make one worthy of the theme and worthy of the occasion. [Cries of "go on," and applause.] I would like to speak in all praise that is due to the the [sic] many brave officers and soldiers who have fought in the cause of the Union and liberties of this country from the beginning of this war, not on occasions of success, but upon the more trying occasions of the want of success. I say I would like to speak in praise of these men, particularizing their deeds, but I am unprepared. I should dislike to mention the name of a single officer, lest in doing so I wrong some other one whose name may not occur to me. [Cheers.]

Recent events bring up certain names, gallantly prominent, but I do not want to particularly name them at the expense of others, who are as justly entitled to our gratitude as they. I therefore do not upon this occasion name a single man. And now I have said about as much as I ought to say in this impromptu manner, and if you please, I'll take the music. [Tremendous cheering, and calls for the President to reappear.]

~~Abraham Lincoln
July 7, 1863

The creation of Eve
Michelangelo

~*~*~*~*~

And what, with all this, have I said, my God, my life holy and sweet to me, what can anyone say when speaking of you?

Yet we must say something when those who say the most are saying nothing.


~+~St. Augustine of Hippo

got urticaria?

(another word for hives)

i have them. all the time. various places, various times of the day (although they are always an *early morning thing*) they show up unexpectedly and certainly uninvited. my doctor pronounced an allergy to advil last year, but since i have not consumed advil for months, that can no longer be the case.

heart-felt advice from well wishers accepted, suggestions from the medical community would be appreciated, jokes about scratching appreciated. however, an honest diagnosis would be totally welcomed lest the goldbond powder i've grown accustomed to becomes my fragrance of choice. and yes, i intend to call my doctor back next week.

can you hear me now?

Odillon Redon, "La coquille"

~*~*~*~*~

sitting along the water's edge on the day i desired sleep more than a good beach day (the wisdom and persistence of a 13- ear-old won out, thank God), i examine closely all people and their interractions with each other as family, friends, strangers. the smell of the sea comingled with tanning products and zinc oxide is seriously intoxicating and i breathe it in deeply, grateful for my teen-aged daughter's insistence.

conversations are overheard, glimpses are gained into their lives if only for a brief moment; the laughter of the little ones rises up and over the crashing of the waves.

and this is good.

i watch in complete amusement the antics of an almost 3 year-old as he escalates the "drippy castle" and propels himself downward in an haphazard fashion akin to slalom-skiing on one's stomach.

"is he always this......busy?" i inquire of his mother.

"only in sand. i liken it to how a cat reacts to catnip."

we smile and he continues his antics without tiring and is apparently magnetic as he attracts like-minded 3 year-old passersby who soon join in on the fun. hardly easy to focus on the content of "Confessions" when such joy is being had five feet in front of you :)

beach chairs line up in rows, blankets host folks who desire a tan more than entertainment. i marvel at how busy the moms and dads are chasing after their little ones. mine aren't so little anymore and the only instructions that are needful of me are the direction as to where i placed the food money and when to reapply sunblock. part of me longs for the days of watching my babies make fast friends with the children whose parents are fortunate enough to afford a week's vacation at the beach whose parents, in turn, marvel at the fact that we have access to said beach within 15 minutes of our house. nevermind we have jobs and responsibilities -- get thee to the beach, housework and bill paying be damned!!

before i turn back to my book in a show of forced concentration, i am drawn into a scene where a father has a large seashell up against the ear of his little girl, perhaps two in age, striving on her tippy-toes to hear the symphony of the ocean inside the shell -- it is magical.

until the dad pulls the shell away and it is magically morphed into a cell phone.

~sigh~

it must be the writer in me, pen and notebook in hand, hoping for a moment that did not include technology: the romance and simplicity of a moment between nature, father & daughter.

perhaps i'll catch a moment of that today as i head back out with my beach chair, sunblock and give another go at Confessions...housework and bill paying be damned!!

denial.

landscape of denial kevin thom ~*~*~*~*~
de·ni·al (d-nl)
n.

An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings.

~*~*~*~*~

i picked up an extra day this week (at time and a half) and was called in last night from 7:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m. at double time. we have some things coming up in the next few weeks that will require more cash outflow, so God has made sure it will be there when we need it. He is just that good ;)

one would think the night shift is a bit slower than days (if you worked on L&D during the dayshift, you would know it is believed that days are waaaay busier than nights. denial, perhaps?) i can assure you, it is not. they have the same amount of patients at night that they do during the day, but with 4 fewer nurses, 3 fewer techs. i cannot tell you how much i ran last night ---> literally. it was physical 110% of the night, comingled with God moments of prayer starting from when i helped wheel a patient from recovery to see her tiny baby in the nicu and hear the nurse explain what his complications are and that "we are watching for signs of withdrawal and he is starting to go through the stiffening...we will let you know if there are any changes throughout the night..."

~sigh~ so tiny. so sad.

i answered a call bell for a lovely patient who had pih - pregnancy induced hypertension - and saw her blood pressure was 187/101 - extremely high - and came to find out she was transferred to a higher risk facility away from us when i was caring for the post-op mom...

i would take another patient upstairs and get nabbed by a maternity nurse to help someone out of bed, change linens, transfer a patient on the computer...they were so very, very short-handed...no sooner did i come downstairs that i would find out there were three more deliveries, carts had to be broken down, cleaned and replenished when my favorite doctor said "penni, open the o.r. - we are going in for a procedure..." i scrubbed in and assisted in something that was fascinating but too graphic to describe here ;) an hour and a half of standing, kneeling, attempting not to contaminate myself.

who knew the night would be like this?

six babies born in six hours -- i looked at the clock to find it was already 1:00 a.m. (are you kidding me?) and although i did not accomplish all i had wanted, i finished up on some restocking of items and stopped and sat at the desk at 1:55 a.m. and ate pizza with the nurses and the tech who came in to relieve me (who worked the day shift that day, they could find nobody else willing to help out...) these ladies are wonderful. the nurse who cared for the pih mom told me of the risks she ran because of her high blood pressure (again, too graphic to describe here) and that part of her problem behind her pressure was the fact that she tested positive for cocaine. the doctor asked her when the last time she used cocaine was and she said "in my teens." (she was 28)

"in your teens?"

"yes."

"your lab results show otherwise...it shows you tested positive this afternoon so it had to be recently that you snorted it..."

"my boyfriend does coke and we just had sex yesteday - could it have transferred through our body fluids?"

(i am incredulous at this point, as i am sure most of you are...)

"uh, no. you had to have snorted it."

"there is always some laying around the house - maybe i inhaled it when i was cleaning up?"

~sigh~

you have got to be kidding me.

denial.

(refusal to accept something on your own accord does not make it any less true.)