i sit in the back pew, left-hand side under the light so i can read my magnificat - meditations before Mass and readings during. i like being back there. it's my own private idaho.
the light has been burned out so i've had to move forward (save for thursdays, which we have already discussed since i now lead the rosary and help Monsignor during communion). it is *okay* being closer to the altar, but i prefer being back in my pew, by myself.
i know, i know. selfish woman.
so here i am, reciting the rosary and really pondering in between hail mary's the descent of the Holy Spirit this morning and this woman i know from church, who sat by me yesterday, flounces in and sits by me again.
she is very sweet. nice girl. she is a bit more neurotic, prays too fast for my liking, little spastic during the Our Father and i don't wish to hold your hand and then raise it at the last part, thank you very much.
what the **** is my problem?
i am a Christian, right? love thy neighbor? why can't i be all sorts of communal without taking offense? am i that selfish? am i that closed off to everyone that i wish to remain on my raft, drifting toward God, all by my lonesome?
i am annoyed with myself for being like this, i truly am. i ask God to change my heart during Mass, but right after services, do i march myself back to the sacristy and plead with Monsignor to *fix my light already* (did you catch that? my light!!) he checks his armpits to see if my problem with being too close to the altar may have something to do with his hygiene (i love this man :) and chuckles and shows me i've been throwing the wrong switch. *doh* the light has been fine.
just about to leave and who walks in but the gal who's been my new best friend for the last two days. she joins in the laugh about hygiene and then quietly says to Msgr., "sir, i need to speak to you for a few minutes, if i may..." and it didn't seem like she wanted to discuss the lighting situation at morning Mass.
and how do you think i feel about her right now? when i left there, my heart was in my throat over my selfishness, my self-centeredness. she is struggling with something that is *real* and i am struggling over my *wanting to be alone in my prayer time* (go ahead and roll your eyes if you want - i did...)
God, i hate that in me -- what is it? pride? self-absorbtion? stubborn refusal to want to *blend* in?