"i am honestly growing weary of test after test after test."

in response to my last statement in the thread below, julie d. had the following to say:

That has haunted me since I read it and I came back to mention what sprang to my mind ... you may not agree but I'm just gonna lay this out for your consideration.

It is highly likely that this is not actually test after test in that these are just a string of bad things happening ... not coincidence ... but that they are happening because of other people's actions or because of genetic flaws or because of a thousand other things that you have no control over but that free will allows to happen in the world. Where we look to God in these things is for the good that He will bring from the bad.

Yes, you still have to hang on as wave after wave of trouble comes your way but there may not necessarily be anything to "get" except that when the waves go by, God is faithfully still there by your side, helping you hold on ...

i have given this much consideration and wanted to share my response, but also wanted to elicit a discussion regarding your thoughts on luck, tests, trials, tribulations, coincidences...what do you consider them to be?

most of you who check in with me on a fairly regular basis know that i am called *martha, martha* for good reason: i worry about everything. i don't like to call it worry because i was told once that "worry is an absence of faith." i have faith, but sometimes it falters and i guess that's where my worrying comes in.

i am not going to laundry list my issues for you; there are several, they are on-going, they are, to me, what i consider to be tests or trials. we are given the Gospel and the Word and we are left to our responses to it. "what is my response to what is happening and how can i apply the Word of God to it," should be my response to everything that occurs in my life (in my opinion). it is not, however, how i oftentimes respond.

the latest came yesterday when my cat, simon, had been taken ill. he is dying is what the emergency vet told me and i believe that. we took prophylactic measures to ease his suffering and i brought him home to tell the family and spend a few hours with him until we had to make the decision to put him down. as if all of this wasn't bad enough, he escaped again, out the back door that has the propensity to stay ajar due to swelling of my wooden deck. he was gone for several hours. my oldest son came in rather late (early?) last night and i couldn't sleep when i heard his car drive off again at 2:00 a.m. i came to get some advil and when he returned home, we decided to see if simon would respond to a call in the night.

he did.

without going into detail, we effected the second kitty rescue in a matter of days, and after some rather limber tactical maneuvers on my belly, in my pj's, i grabbed him from under the forsythia bush next door. he is home, he seemed to be comfortable, i went back to bed.

prior to retiring for the second time last night, i saw that jule also sent me an email asking if i was *in everything, giving thanks?* julie, i can respond here because i have no shame: i was not. i had a very hard time yesterday with all of this (on top of everything else) and the last thing i felt like doing in the midst of it all was thanking God for what i was going through. my response to the Word sucked yesterday and i am here to tell you that in the middle of it, i was not thankful; when i laid my head down last night after my cat was safe and warm in my home, i was thankful. isn't that the way? i recognized my lack of grace through this trial but thanked God for a good outcome in having my cat home. it sounds so trite and silly, but it's real to me.

am i always going to be that conditional in giving thanks and praise?

is this a test? to me, it was. did i pass? uh. no. i don't believe i did.

so what is my response today? what will be the next thing i encounter to help me see Him more clearly, love Him more dearly? yesterday i was angry - pissed, really - at God for allowing just one more thing to happen. then i think, again, of people like david at post protestant thoughts who suffers with a medical ailment i cannot pronounce, let alone spell and was just handed another diagnosis that i would think would be difficult to deal with...he handles it with much grace. and hope, who handles her issues with just as much dignity and grace.

is it all a test? is it a trial? are these just strings of *bad luck* and have nothing to do with the Gospel of grace?

i am at a point where i am having a hard time grasping this concept, let alone holding onto it.

you tell me.