spiritual fork in the road

i seem to be at a bit of a spiritual fork in the road (don't you love when a thread knocks of a cliche, right of the bat??) forgive me if i've spoken about this already, but if i have and it hasn't been resolved, then i suppose it is for good reason.

i want a spiritual director. i've wanted one for a long while now. months, actually. (i am looking at that word - *want* and feeling like the little girl who wants the dress in the window that is too expensive...)

• i cannot keep clogging up the confessional with my deep ponderings about being a Christian, it isn't fair to the *real* sinners who are in need of confession...(that was a joke, people.) i cannot make appointments with a pastor who i know is already too busy for my stuff, never really wants to go deep theologically, and most of all, is still recovering from a grave illness.


• our associate pastor is way busy - i'd love to chat with him and see what his thoughts are - he's a humble soul, very anointed and completely slayed me when he lay prostrate before the altar on Good Friday. that's an image of someone you don't soon get over... but how do you approach someone on this issue?


• my friend who is a priest already told me that he can't because they told him while he was still in the seminary that he should wait until he's been a priest for at least five years before he undertakes being a spiritual director (pretty cool that he thought about it for me, too - like it was mutual, but he can't just yet). thing is, i don't know if i can wait two more years? maybe i should?


• there is a priest i know and love that i think might be wonderful; however, he makes me *think* too much on but my own words. sometimes, even though i type a lot, i chew enough on them plenty. i don't want my own words constantly regurgitated back to me. i can't develop when i think my thoughts and then have to meditate on my thoughts over and again. ugh. that was gross just typing it out!


• i thought the priest who ran our bible study through the diocese prior to being named vicar of clergy might be helpful so i called the diocese for information a couple of months ago, and they transferred me to his office. another busy man, he never called me back, so i emailed him yesterday. it was cool to see he replied, but it wasn't quite what i wanted (there's that word again - how 'bout *expected*?):

I am not sure why they put you through to my office except that most people think only priests can do this. I have found over the years that a friendship leads to spiritual direction. It is one of those things that happens - there is a bond and that bond gives way to a deeper venue.

Sometimes it does happen on a retreat or at a retreat house - maybe that's a place you can start; other times it happens in the parish with your priest; and sometimes it happens through a religious sister; or just a person you think has a great insight into you and the path you need to go. That takes time! Sometimes it happens in a prayer group - maybe that's what can flow from this class experience - invite a few people to join a bible/prayer group and begin a journey together.

is this direction? is it giving me something more to think about and i've not been thinking/looking in the right places? is it about what i want at all?

thoughts on this would be appreciated, especially if you've had or are seeking a spiritual director for yourself. i don't know what to liken it to, and a bad analogy would only serve to diminish my heartfelt request.

i've linked in my title, above, an article i found on spiritual consultants by fr. john mccloskey, who quotes thomas merton at the end, so i'll end with these thoughts...

unfortunately how many as Thomas Merton put it, speaking of himself, in The Seven Storey Mountain have "slipped into the ranks of tepid and dull and sluggish, indifferent Christians who live a life that is still half animal, and who barely put up a struggle to keep the breath of grace alive in their souls"? Merton's response was "I should have sought constant and complete spiritual direction..." (emphasis added)