lunch conversations

i've mentioned my wonderful friend & pastor who comes in for lunch with his associate pastor on tuesdays. last tuesday, they both encouraged me for a good 20 minutes or so with what was to me, sermon-worthy stuff about trials and suffering. they were back in and at it again today.

i shared a dream, a very specific dream i had about bruce from two nights ago. it was confusing but in my dream he was there, he was real even though he didn't speak. he just kept holding me and hugging me, and i hugged him back but at the same time, told him how angry i was that he deceived me and never allowed me to tell him how i felt. now i am sure many of you could have interpretations of that dream, but pastor and jeff both said it was a reassuring one of love for me, but my anger at him could also be unexpressed anger at God. pastor does all the talking, jeff, all the nodding in assent :) they also reiterated no trial or pruning is comfortable of pleasing to be in the throes of, but it will bear much fruit.

i am angry at God, that's for sure. but i've tapped danced around it and skirted the issue for two, almost three months now. He and i need to have a real talk. instead of asking Him to deliver me from all of this, i am now praying He abide with me in the midst of it all. where else can i go? He has the Words of Eternal Life.

i'm not completely *over it* based on two very deep, very thought-filled conversations; in fact, i've made an appointment to see my therapist on friday because other issues are starting to creep in on me. preventative medicine plus i love barb - she is warm, wonderful, amazingly smart and reassuring. i am actually looking forward to it since i still have yet to find a spiritual director...

just as they were leaving, jeff stopped to see me and said "has any of this changed your heart for people?" i said "no, not at all." he said "if someone came in here looking for work or a meal and couldn't pay for it, would you not try to find them something to do or feed them without charge?" i said "yes, to both." he said "God is strengthening your heart, pen. you have a great heart and where you don't see or *feel* God working in you, for our vantage point, it is amazing to watch all of this happen. He's building something up in you that is tremendous, and we have the honor and privilege of watching it happen..."

how can you not love these guys? i am truly blessed by people who have a word for me in due season (you are all included in this too!)