i am sensitive.

that statement should come as no surprise to any of my friends.

oh, it started early enough in my lifetime that i should have been able to recognize this and it shouldn't be some be *blog announcement* by me at the age of 42.

however, something's changed in me. something is very, very different these days.

i find the closer i try to get to God, the more the things that disturb my spirit or disrupt my conscience are going to bother me all the more. we aren't supposed to conform to the world, right? we are in the world, but not of the world.

Do not model your behaviour on the contemporary world, but let the renewing of your minds transform you, so that you may discern for yourselves what is the will of God-what is good and acceptable and mature. ~Romans 12:2

so this scripture verse sort of explains why i feel the way i do - i am hopeful my mind is being transformed, but up until this weekend, it was a slower process. has anyone ever seen a movie that maybe not changed the way they felt about things, but totally enhanced it?

i saw the movie crash with my husband this past weekend. as per comments i made on another thread, it was honestly one of the most profoundly disturbing movies i have ever seen in my life. halfway thru it i said to jim "i don't think i can sit through this all the way - it's not even half-way done" and got up to leave twice. i also felt like i was going to throw up. i made it through the entire movie, there was some redeeming qualities to it, it all tied in at the end, et cetera, but i cried for the entire last half hour without stopping and felt totally nauseated. over a movie.

my husband kept saying "that was such a good movie" and sees oscar potential. it wasn't so much visually disturbing as it was conscience-disturbing, to think there are people like this in the world? or that someone would actually do some of what was done, say the things that were said --- feel the way they felt? it totally disturbed my spirit... i know how twisted i get inside if i see or hear someone getting mistreated or being unkind... i sat through two hours of it. i know that sounds trite, but you'd have to see it to understand what i am talking about.

it's about racism, connectedness, judgment, condemnation, faith - all of it. the soundtrack was good and i might even purchase it, although i have a tough time with associations. we'll see.

which brings me to my sensitivity.

while i know how to take criticism and know that there are folks out there being constructive, i have a hard time with racist comments, off-colored jokes, anything that hurts my spirit. after seeing this movie, however, i am beyond sensitive - how do you enhance that word? i don't know what to do about it, i can't go around crying for everyone (not that i do) nor can i go around championing every cause that comes along (don't do that, either -- well, i have my *pet* causes...). today, however, i found myself on two separate occasions -- at work and at my bible study -- where i felt my stomach turning in that sensitive knot again. at work, i just walked out of (because of a crass joke) and at bible study i basically lowered my head and said "just pray you guys - who are these people that they can withstand God? plant the seeds, let the Holy Spirit lead and guide into all truths." and then i sighed.

i don't want to be a banging gong or a clashing cymbal. i don't want to exclude. i don't want to label, judge. i want to love. i want others to love around me. all i can do is show myself and i will hopefully be approved.

but i'll also carry extra tissues. just in case.

So no matter who you are, if you pass judgment you have no excuse. It is yourself that you condemn when you judge others, since you behave in the same way as those you are condemning. ~Romans 2:1 (both scripture verses New Jerusalem Bible)