of God and guitars

my oldest is getting ready to leave in the next two months, once again, to pursue his future in music therapy at college, majoring in jazz guitar. he is rooming with four other frat brothers (all music majors) who are all of good rep and study very hard -- great guys, great students. he met them all when he had is brief stint at this school and pledged the fraternity prior to being diagnosed with his malignant melanoma; they stayed close and now he is ready to go back to school there rather than attend our community college.

ben is working two jobs in an effort to save money. he likes to spend money, too, mind you and when he comes home every other week (seemingly) with a new guitar, it causes concern for me because he has (a) never lived on his own, (b) never had to pay more expenses than a car payment and cell phone bill, and (c) has to pay rent, food, et cetera, in the upcoming months. he is also leaving two good jobs behind. it is easier to find a job when you already have one.

he's taken some of his purchases back and when not refunded, has been given store credit. on saturday on our way out to mass, max informed us "ben bought a guitar ma, and he said you weren't gonna be happy."

hmmm.

i asked ben yesterday how much he spent and he said "roughly $1,000." i blew a gasket. i am a little difficult to argue with when i reach the point of gasket-blowing, so he was a wise kid and said not too much in response. i was still steamed when i saw him and he, again in his wisdom, went out for the afternoon prior to going to his second job last night.

in my insomnia last night, i padded down the stairs to see if he was home (he was) and saw on the table he had left me a note. i save every note, every card any of my children have ever blessed me with and knew as soon as i started reading it, it would go into my drawer in my nightstand for safe-keeping until i get some sort of book for them all (i am so not a scrapbooker...)

he basically said in essence it would be easier for him to get his thoughts out on paper rather than try the verbal tug-o-war with me (again -- what a sage :) then he played the "God card:"

...it is only through playing my music lately that i have been getting complete peace of mind. sure, i may come across as calm and relaxed, but i have a very full plate and purchasing the guitar that i believe i sound the best on -- that gives me ultimate peace in my head and heart. this might sound wierd, but when i play guitar, i am communicating with God. when i play, my mind is somewhere else, it is with Him. i do my praying, my communicating with Him when i play.

recently, i've had to sell my guitars to put some money in the bank and haven't been able to play as often and my mood went down. i bought the prs guitar because when i test-played it, i heard Him again.

this is what i would have hoped you'd understand.

how could i even possibly begin to argue with this?

now, i *get it*.