blue.

i am sensitive, as are others out there. i am in good company.

i should know better than to bring up controversial topics, but there is always a little something in me that wants to know what everyone thinks and for the most part, i let all posts and comments and threads stand. i don't remember if i have had to pull a thread before but i did so with the last one becaus i was starting to become unraveled by the comments.

i have a lot going on in my life and am unable to be here to moderate my blog, as if i need to tell anyone that. truth be told, there are oftentimes answers in comments that are so lengthy, i don't have time to read all of them especially if there is a firestorm going on...so i usually wait until i am at a quiet place and able to print things out and read them for what they are worth.

they are usually worth quite a lot.

however, with the last controversial thread i had about a certain ad campaign going on in california, it became so heated and so unbearable for me that i honestly wasn't able to read everything that was written because all i wanted to do was put the fire out. in doing so, i failed to *feel* what one lady was trying to impart and failed to *flag* what someone else was saying and it burned out of control.

as a result of my inability or lack of babysitting this particular thread, i received one of the most scathing emails i have ever received -- listen, i am totally not above reproach and i was understanding and sympathetic to this particular poster's concerns when i re-read the thread comments (with haloscan, they remain intact even though the thread is history). however, the manner in which the email was flame-thrown at me and the disgusting and uncalled-for comment that was said at the end of the email made me (a) feel like throwing up, and (b) sit back and evaluate what it is i am doing here and why i am blogging in the first place.

i am reading the most amazing book i have read in a very long time called blue like jazz that my dear friend jeff recommended i read. ever read one of those books that grabs you by your gut and doesn't let go? i am in the middle of it now and will go back and re-read so i can highlight the pertinent parts. one of the pertinent parts, however, i am going to share with you now (if you've stayed with me thus far, there's a reason for all of this...):

I realized in an instant that I desired false gods because Jesus wouldn't jump through my hoops, and I realized that, like Tony, my faith was about image and ego, not about practicing spirituality...I had the image of a spiritual person, but I was bowing down to the golden cows of religiosity and philosophy. It was one of those enlightenments, one of those honest looks in the mirror in which there is no forgetting who you are. It was a moment without make-believe...

between what i read and re-reading and thinking about that particular email i received, i have come to realize that when i am overly-sensitive about something, that there usually means there is a ring of truth to it. i am pretty forthright and oustpoken but am unusually quiet when it comes to topics that are controversial or may not align me with some of the folks i have come to know and care about in the blog world; i am afraid of hurting someone's feelings or that they may not *like* me any more, and really, what does it matter if they don't? then i would suppose my "relationship" with them was only surface-level to begin with and that depth comes from those who can look below the surface and see you, accept you for who you really are and what you believe in.

my faith is strong, but i feel as though i am in transition. i feel like i am on a journey to become more "real," more "authentic." i have been hiding behind a bit of a curtain and not that there is going to be any big "reveal," but i needed to take a few days away from this spot and really look at who i was truly blogging for. i have to be who i am called to be.

and that is a person who simply wants to love as Jesus commanded me to love. it's not about my image -- what image? not about my ego -- what is that worth? i am nothing without Christ. nothing. i don't want to be "religious."

and no thing should separate me from the love of Him, either.

thank you for your comments and emails, all of you. you have helped me gain some much-needed perspective.