introspection

Lynn Jadamec
Stobart Fellow
2000 - 2001
Introspection
oil on canvas
45" x 55"

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i worked my last 12-hour shift yesterday and we were expected to go to a party at our friends' house last night. sounds great, right?

not so great.

i know you will find it hard to believe (unless you have been keeping up with my *personal space* issues in my combox yesterday) that i am more of an introvert than ever before. i have to be *on* at work - i have a business to promote and patients to take care of - but when it is the end of my day, i want to stay home, do not want to talk on the phone, and unless we are going to dinner or a movie or borders, would rather stay put and knit or read or watch a movie....anything but go to a party where there would be margarita machines and red cups and loud music....(i know - wt*^%# is my problem???)

last night was no exception --- aside from the fact that husband wanted to go. real bad. he was wearing his green shirt (belated St. Pat's party) and even though he was tired, he still wanted to go but gave me a little space to read my email, after which i got ready to go and looked at the clock and it was close to 8:30 and raining and i was tired and hungry and had about a half an hour drive to this party and i felt my mood turn south.

not pretty. i do not get bi-otchy, but quiet.

pan to the car.

"you don't want to go - we'll go home...."

"no, i will be fine...." (looking out the window, feeling my stomach flop and bitterness rise inside at the thought of having to talk to people, gosh!)

"no, i know you don't want to go, i'm taking you home!" green man not quite yelling, but rather emphatic at this point. sheesh. i am so not 5. now i feel my inner biotchiness coming forth like Lazarus....it is so *on*.

(abbreviated version of the fight that ensued, above)

fast forward 15 minutes to about 8:45 and we are almost home and i am near tears and there is NOTHING in the house to eat other than things that are not weight-watcher worthy, and now i am in tears because i knew he wanted to go and i could not get over myself.

why can i not get over myself?

i worked a lot this week -- 44 hours altogether at the hospital, 6 at the cafe -- have been dealing with an emotional daughter all week who misses her mom and a son who is slacking in his school work and piles of laundry and bills that need attention and just was not in the mood to socialize.

i guess this is precisely why i needed to go.

*sigh*

last night, i was praying in what i thought was earnest for God to help me change my mood, change my heart to desire to go and it was of no use. what makes matters even worse is when i reflect on how i used to be the life of the party -- social butterfly, never missed an event -- to being drawn inward and introspective it is almost laughable. that is part of the problem, too -- there were going to be a lot of people from my past there and i was simply in no mood to see anyone who knew me from *before*. it is painful for me and i was in no mood for it.

so i exchanged one pain for another. that makes no sense.

my husband is his usual cheerful self this morning and it makes me feel even lousier about how our evening went.

so. how was your night?