turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel

Ash Wednesday Harlan, Kentucky 1992

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from Fish Eaters, one of the best offering of explanation that I have ever come across, Ash Wednesday.

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I can recall an Ash Wednesday three years ago wherein I was deep in the throes of something I was not only having a very difficult time overcoming, but that I was not so sure I wanted to overcome. In fact, up until moments before entering the Church for Ash Wednesday services, I was still *in that thing*.

I had no business being the presiding Lector for the entire Mass, but I was. I only know it was God's grace for not striking me down at the ambo. After I finished the second reading, I settled in for Monsignor's homily, only half-listening, feeling all sorts of smugness? in being able to stand before the assembly and read from Sacred Scripture when I was such a wretch, knowing I was such a wretch... (oh, I know I still am, but I was actively involved in sinning willfully at that particular time - c'mon, you know the kind of wretchedness of which I speak...)

Suddenly, the voice of God spoke to me through the priest: "Turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel [Penni]!"

I looked around, wondering if anyone else had heard "The Voice." Apparently, they were not paying attention. I heard it again, only this time it said "that means you, Penni." Clear as a bell.

I was immediately awashed in a sick feeling, nausea rising to my throat, sweat breaking out on my forehead. The room started spinning and I realized for the first time, really realized -- not with false piety or a meager sense of humility -- that I was in some deep trouble and I really needed help for my very soul depended upon it.

It still does.

I will never forget that night as long as I live and while I struggled from that point on to make my way out of the pit -- God knows how often I found myself on my knees, drenched in my own tears, many a day upon day -- and still struggle to this day not to trip myself up and fall back into it, my vow to take things daily began at that precise moment at Mass on Ash Wednesday 2003.

For whatever reason, I felt compelled to share and am writing this in the hopes it will encourage someone else to renounce their *thing* and begin anew during these next 40 days.

Pax Christi.