last week, i worked 3 12-hour shifts in addition to 20 hours (give or take) at the restaurant; i was a bit tired, to say the least. happily, my orientation period at the hospital will draw to a close on may 1st, so i will be on my schedule of 2 12-hour shifts and that is it. thank God.
i do not recall praying for humility, but i can assure you God allowed me to experience it in several small and heaping doses. the first dose came when i was teching with a young lady (about 21 or 22 years of age) and in every room we went into when she introduced herself, she introduced me as her "orientee." after about the fifth time, i said "i have been here since january 4th -- you are the first person to ever introduce me as something other than my name."
"i am just doing that so when you make mistakes, they will know why."
"i am not perfect and realize that i will make mistakes, but to have them highlighted before they are made is a bit mortifying." this was all by 7:30 a.m. i had 11.5 hours to go and at that point, realized it would be a very long day.
i felt my back go up and had to step into my prayer closet (supply room) and apologize to God for my defensiveness and asked for the grace to get me through my day with her -- after i emerged, she apologized and we joked about it and the day went swimmingly.
thank you, Lord.
saturday -- ooofah. i was scheduled to tech and was happy to know they do not schedule c-sections on the weekend.
unless, of course, there was an emergency, and there was.
i have been "second-scrubbing" which means i assist the first scrub and am basically observing and doing very minor things for the operation. first scrub means it is all me - handing the surgeons instruments, doing sponge/instrument counts with the circulating nurse - their is a significant amount of pressure on you, and being as i had only first-scrubbed one other time, i was in automatic prayer mode. which i shortly discovered was a good thing because i needed all the help i could get.
the assistant surgeon i had only scrubbed in with on one other occasion. there is nothing smooth about her (other than the way she assists, she is very, very good - she is a certified surgical assistant with 22 years of o.r. experience) when it comes to her delivery if she feels you are doing something incorrectly. she is also very adept at pointing out your mistakes, none of which is being done in a quiet, private way.
i would like to say i was the recipient of a lot of her comments, but that is too gentle. i was a target. several things she pointed out very loudly at the outset, having to do with sterile fields and how i am to be facing. each time she said something, it went right to my gut but it also was a bit contrary to how i was being taught by my preceptor (in my defense); my back went up, my first reaction was to defend myself, my subsequent reactions were much quieter as i fought back tears on two different occasions. this is a tough go in a crowded room....
as this was a complicated case, the c-section took almost two hours. considering i had scrubbed in an hour before to open the room and they were almost 40 minutes late in bringing the patient in, it was a very long morning.
very long.
i prayed through the entire event. once you are in defensive mode, it is tough to overcome it when you have no closet to step into; so i prayed aloud into my mask and asked for Jesus to intercede for me and some of the tension began to dissipate. i was extremely glad when it was over and wanted to break down in tears, but had to clean up and get something to drink.
i go out to the hallway and talked to our male nurse who was wonderfully reassuring. told me things about my nemesis (just kidding) that it would have been helpful to know prior to dealing with her - she is like this with everybody....she is "old school" o.r. (the way it should be done vs. how some of the techniques my preceptor is teaching me are not necessarily *the way* and she has been told but has not changed her teaching methods) and whatever she says must override whatever my preceptor has said because she has been at it much longer, has much more experience, and works with the toughest of doctors....all reassuring, all too late as i had been bruised and just wanted to run away from everybody.
i went to get something to drink and saw ms. nemesis in the hallway and she explained to me why she rode me so bad (basically reiterated what joe said)....i nodded, yes ma'am'ed her to death, apologized, told her i wanted to do better and walked away from it definitely "knowing my role." i was glad the morning was over as it was after 1:30 at this point and i was tired and hungry.
"penni - we have another c-section to do and need o.r. 2 set up to open - same doctor, same assistant, ready to roll in a little bit."
oh.
my.
God.
no.
Lord.
please.
yep. when you fall off the bike, you need to get back on it. "I will be with you" was what i heard in my spirit, so i wiped my eyes, took a breath, drank my milk (it does a body good), ate a packet of graham crackers and headed into o.r. 2 to set things out.
can i tell you something? grace is an amazing thing. i remembered what was said by everyone, was hypersensitive to my surroundings, extremely focused - what was i feeling? a bit more confidence? was told by the girl i was working with that the doctor told her afterwards i did "much better this time," and was told by the circulating nurse i "did a beautiful job."
ms. nemesis said nothing.
thank you, Lord.
i was beaten down and discouraged and am still feeling the aftershocks of it. it was the first time in over three months that i seriously questioned if this was for me.
am open to suggestions on how to "open not my mouth" in these types of situations - your thoughts would, as always, be most appreciated.
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