Leila Kubba Kawash 1996.
it's been a long time since i have had an angst-ridden, anxiety-filled post, so i figured i am a bit overdue. that, and i did not want you to think i was totally cured and no longer neurotic; that statement could not be farther from the truth.what i am finding myself mired in as of late is a number of different muddles, none the least of which is missing the routine of daily Mass. it was a routine; however, anything but rote. the one thing i feared the most about the demands of my new job was the balancing act between serving God through my position(s) and serving Him through my prayer and worship. yes, work is worship, but i think most will understand what i mean.
so in not being where i feel most safe and secure, over the past six months i have found myself falling back into bad habits. habits that to most would seem most innocuous, but to me, knowing myself and the things that send me spiralling backward into my junk, i am finding myself making excuses and justifying behavior that simply is not justifiable. i will not cite any instances, you will have to simply trust what i say is true.
part of what has me perplexed, however, is the fact i find myself not trusting God to fill this void i have of needing (feeling?) the adrenaline rush of certain bad behaviors. in a long conversation with a friend yesterday, and what a God-send she was, she said "don't we have enough going on in our lives that we needn't go 'looking for it'?" how much sense did that make to me? i go "looking for it." i am a thrill-seeker. i seek the adrenaline rush that i get only from certain temptations. problem is, sometimes i do not have to look for it -- it is simply "there." it shows up, unannounced, like a relative that you simply do not care for but have to deal with because they are on your doorstep. then it invites itself in, plops on the couch, puts its feet up and starts using the remote. you wonder how long it will be around for? what you can do to help it back out the door? suddenly, you find yourself comfortable with its existence...and then don't do much at all to usher it out.
yesterday's Mass held some pretty on-point Scripture verses for me, most particularly:
And to keep me from being too elated by the abundance of revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I besought the Lord about this, that it should leave me; but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong.Lord, if i am to be honest here, i will admit: i am NEVER content with my weakness, insults hurled against me, hardships, persecutions and/or calamities. i do not suffer from an abundance of revelations, but i definitely have a thorn that i have been given to deal with and i have ignored it for so long, i feel as though i have submerged myself into the depths of the sea of avoidance in trying to deal with it in even a remotely godly way. i read blogs of friends that request -- read that -- request the pain so they can be more aligned with Jesus in His sufferings! oh, Lord!! i am nowhere near that.
question is, was i ever?
i still feebly beseech the Lord to have this *thing* leave me, but alas, He has remained silent (which is certainly His right). i have remained silent on these things, as well; i can no longer keep it buried within me because i know i need for it to surface so i can face it head-on and deal with it. i have also lulled myself into the complacent thinking that after having been submerged for so long, the pain of facing the truth of it so quickly may bring on the bends.
however, failing to do so may also lead me into a spiritual paralysis. question is, which is worse?
