digital art by t/aubuchon - denial series-

I am tired and weary, heart being worn prominently on my sleeve this morning for whatever having a difficult time being loving toward those who are not so loving to me today.

I find I am frustrated by certain goings on at Chez Martha and the one time I finally allow my emotions to show or simply let down my guard about what exactly is happening to me medically, I am chastised by my husband not to "go there" and the conversation is cut short. I suppose this is simply something I need to continuously bury within myself or unceremoniously hand over to the Lord to take care of for me and so I (and he) can, therefore, pretend it doesn't exist.

Question of the day: what is the difference between "handing it over to the Lord and not taking it back" and "being in denial?" Is it a matter of I trust in You, O God, and in You alone do I trust, I lean not on my own understanding or is it I cannot face this thing that keeps coming up inside of me and I must pretend it is not happening or I will actually be real about things for once? Where is the line, what is the difference, if there is really one?

He is afraid, I am not allowed to be or I am not allowed to express it, just keep it close to me like he is doing for himself. Why is that?

My prayer today is for grace. Grace to get through moments when the tears are there and being held back, grace for the moments when help isn't offered or even to be expected around the house and grace to continue to be loving, regardless of how I feel inside.

I just pray my insides will catch up with my outward actions.


No comments: