ramble on


my *big* doctor's appointment is today at 3:30. i had a friend call and pray with me over the phone and am strangely not that peace-filled about this visit. i want to, but am having difficulty shaking this feeling.


i had odd dreams last night -- in one, i dreamt i was walking, wandering through a long-deserted town and it was dry, arid - the dream color tones were sepia. i was late and knew i had to get to a class that was on the very top of a large building, only there was no staircase. there was a book shelf that had to be scaled like a large rock for rock climbing. but i made it to the top and to my class (which was addictions counseling) on time. there were children all around playing and i had no idea how they were able to get up there....slowly the sepia light faded and i was into my next dream.

...but this one was in color. after my addictions class, i took a tour of a school that was in the process of being built, but the walls that were erected were flimsy, like particle board. the construction process had stopped and we were just touring the building, which was odd too. the school was being built in an impoverished community and they were "slapping" it together because the people were poor and they "wouldn't know the difference." i remember being greatly offended and my heart was hurting physically in this particular dream as well, like i was grieving.

as an aside, i have a lot of dreams where i am walking great distances or running. i am not a runner, either.

both dreams had strange familiarity to them, like i have had them before or i have been in those situations before. i awoke feeling odd and uncomfortable. i am uncertain what they meant but they were vivid and are still heavy on my heart.


my biggest fear is if i have to have surgery that i will be under general anesthesia. the last time that happened, i had two very odd reactions - one was my blood pressure dropped so low, they couldn't medicate me for pain and two, i had night terrors for a few months following. the doctor said it was a rare reaction and that the anesthesia was toxic to my body and that was how it manifested itself...i cannot even discuss what i would dream about; suffice it to say they were horrific, i would wake up either screaming or sobbing, and i don't wish to go through it again any time soon.

i am so not ready.



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