I've been feeling a lot of pressure from different areas and yesterday, just when things were erupting at work, I also erupted. Lost my temper. Big time. As in "I have NEVER heard you say things like that before!!" big time.
There was a lot behind my words, there were specific underlying details that would make anyone say to me, "I don't blame you!" but I am not the victim here; I am the perpetrator.
I attempted several times to apologize to the one I offended, to no avail. I finally pulled her aside, we talked about it, she understood, forgave me in word, but the balance of my day was spent in near silence with her.
I also apologized to all around me, or at least who were in earshot. It was unnecessary and it added to the pressure of the day. I was told I was being "very adult." Honestly, I felt like that gigantic swine that was slain somewhere in Alabama that was on the news yesterday. No words of reassurance made me feel any better.
This morning, however, I realize that the forgiveness I sought (and "received") may not translate into a restoration of a friendship with my co-worker. I have given this a great deal of thought since last night -- I was sincere when I apologized; I was in the wrong, no matter how many things I had going on in me that were seemingly mounting up, and although she said "no problem, we're cool," I in my heart of hearts we are not because I know from past events involving this girl, she holds a grudge, and that saddens me.
I don't believe there is anything more I can do today other than be myself. However, there is a bigger lesson in this for me . I recognize there are consequences when you sin -- and I believe undue ire is a sin -- after you have been forgiven. I just pray that my 12-hour day with her today will be, at the very least, manageable.
Lord, help me deal with the fall-out. Amen.
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