addictions and other vices

so i have been taking my Effexor for two full weeks now -- 37.5mg and now 75mg, i am starting on week two of 75mg. my physical withdrawals are no longer with me (thank you, Jesus!) but i am still having bouts of depression. out of nowhere, with nothing specific happening to bring it on, i feel like i am on the verge of tears and despair hits my core.

15 minutes later, it dissipates, and life goes on *as normal* -- but i don't feel normal.

i find i want to lose myself in a way. for instance, when did a bottle of wine get so small? and why am i spending so much $ each week at the liquor store? red flag. gigantic, waving red flag as alcoholism runs in my family. i think "i must not be *that* bad as i never slur my words..." or "i drank that over the course of 3 hours, it's not that big of a deal."

my rational mind is telling me that it is a big deal. a really, really big deal.

aside from genetics, know i shouldn't be drinking alcohol with the medication i am on. what escape am i looking for? do i really want to end up in the hospital?

(actually i am smiling internally at that thought because at least i would be away from everybody and by myself...a self-imposed retreat, perhaps?)

i am also starting to roll around in my addictive behavior again. i know this is definitely not a good thing. definitely not. so why?

i feel the need to escape. escape my reality, which on the surface-level is not bad, but when you start piercing the layers, you will find a desperately unhappy person. otherwise, why would i want to engage in things that will not only hurt me, but hurt others, as well? i want to be numb and simply hide at times.

is this the anxiety disorder? i don't feel anxious, just feel like running away, just so i could be alone.

and my mindset at this time is not to seek therapy because what is the point, really? i wish for my thinking to be different on that issue because i have a great therapist that helped pull me out of the pit before. but it isn't different; not today, anyway. tomorrow may be a different story.

good news is we are out of wine. bad news is, i still have internet access.

3 comments:

beth said...

don't.

call me if you need to. something in you is clawing for attention. it lies when it tells you what it wants...because what it wants is NOT what you need...and YOU are in control here. you are naming this, in print, being honest. that is a good, good thing. with truth comes power and freedom.

call me if you need...

praying for you meanwhile...

Hope said...

When I was in treatment we did this exercise where we wrote down what we thought an addict, alcoholic etc. looked like. 100% of the time it was like someone else's behaviour. My picture was that an alcoholic went to the bar and left their kids to make their own supper. That's what my mom, who is still drinking, did when I was a kid. As long as I didn't do that I could avoid facing my own reality.

Isolating is one of my default settings. When I want to isolate I am headed for relapse. There's an acronym we use in AA called HALT. Check to see if you are Hungry, Angry, Loney or Tired. If you are, attend to one of these things. Reach out and pick up the phone. It is the hardest thing to do when everything else inside screams NO, don't do that.

Thank you for being you. You've been a real support in some of my darkest times and I love you for that. Praying and hoping you reach out for help. Posting this is a first step. You could have kept it inside and you didn't. That takes courage.

~m2~ said...

ladies, (((ladies))) -- without haloscan, i fail to see if anyone has *been* here as it is my safe place to vent. and two of my favorite people wandered in and left encouraging words, which probably translated into prayer as far as God was concerned and it kept me clean.

my meds are not working as well as i would hope so i am now using alcohol as an *enhancer*, i think. didn't even broach the subject of mixing alcohol with antidepressants...duh. i know what i am doing and i guess since i have been on meds for 10 years, i've played the game long enough to know when to say when.

however, spending too much money at liquor stores is really starting to wear thin, and the fact that the big bottle of chard only lasts maybe 2, 3 days is startling to me at least, i think i need to take a step back and examine things a bit further before i pick up another drink.

or reach for another vice.

thank you for visiting -- please stay with me as i navigate this. maybe i'll find out i can drink safely, after all.

maybe.