so i have been taking my Effexor for two full weeks now -- 37.5mg and now 75mg, i am starting on week two of 75mg. my physical withdrawals are no longer with me (thank you, Jesus!) but i am still having bouts of depression. out of nowhere, with nothing specific happening to bring it on, i feel like i am on the verge of tears and despair hits my core.
15 minutes later, it dissipates, and life goes on *as normal* -- but i don't feel normal.
i find i want to lose myself in a way. for instance, when did a bottle of wine get so small? and why am i spending so much $ each week at the liquor store? red flag. gigantic, waving red flag as alcoholism runs in my family. i think "i must not be *that* bad as i never slur my words..." or "i drank that over the course of 3 hours, it's not that big of a deal."
my rational mind is telling me that it is a big deal. a really, really big deal.
aside from genetics, know i shouldn't be drinking alcohol with the medication i am on. what escape am i looking for? do i really want to end up in the hospital?
(actually i am smiling internally at that thought because at least i would be away from everybody and by myself...a self-imposed retreat, perhaps?)
i am also starting to roll around in my addictive behavior again. i know this is definitely not a good thing. definitely not. so why?
i feel the need to escape. escape my reality, which on the surface-level is not bad, but when you start piercing the layers, you will find a desperately unhappy person. otherwise, why would i want to engage in things that will not only hurt me, but hurt others, as well? i want to be numb and simply hide at times.
is this the anxiety disorder? i don't feel anxious, just feel like running away, just so i could be alone.
and my mindset at this time is not to seek therapy because what is the point, really? i wish for my thinking to be different on that issue because i have a great therapist that helped pull me out of the pit before. but it isn't different; not today, anyway. tomorrow may be a different story.
good news is we are out of wine. bad news is, i still have internet access.