living soberly

Never Giving Up
Originally uploaded by Nicki_2004
my husband and i had made some headway the other night after i read my friend marc's words about simply telling the truth regarding how i felt about his drinking.

i took his advice and started out by saying i had a blog about my journey in sobriety. the very first thing out of his mouth was, "does everybody hate me?"

"no, why would you ask that?"

"because you blog about everything, just about..."

i found that humorous because he very, very rarely, in the three years i have blogged, reads my blog. do you see, my dear readers, how i really feel i lead a separate life?

so i told him how it makes me uncomfortable having beer in the house, that just for the first couple of three months, i feel it would be wonderful if you didn't drink, and especially not around me...he said he didn't need to drink and he would do anything to show his support.

i thought we were getting somewhere. only i blew it -- i counted how many beers we had left in the fridge. we had 5. tonight when i returned from mass, we had 3. so much for the honesty.

i have mixed emotions about this because it will lead to an argument -- there has been an argumentative vibe here all day -- and i wonder if i will ever be able to live soberly. not inflate, not dramatize, simply live in the day and actually trust. actually live like a normal person.

i don't know how to be normal. i had a pretty good day yesterday at the hospital, good night, good 24 hours all around and today, i am in my head, trying to be okay with it all and i am not okay. i hate feeling this way, i hate that this is an issue. i don't want it to be, but when i am trying to live an honest life for the first freaking time in 30 years, i don't want to be lied to. but he thinks i am the one with the problem.

kids, i don't like feeling my feelings. i have told God, He is well aware of it, and i am now going to go bury my head in a book.

No comments: