how's your oil slick?

i think i live in the truth of things -- or at least my version of it. it is quite different, however, when you are interacting with someone who knows not only what truth means, but your truth as well. it is like being in psychotherapy with electric shock therapy thrown in for good measure, spending time with my sponsor.

she *gets* me. she knows me to my core. she can read me like a book and because we have some distance between us, travel-wise, i don't always share with her over the telephone the truth about what i am doing. i sort of give it to her in dribs and drabs.

and there are those things which i wait for our face-to-face meetings to share with her. ahem.

her reaction is pretty much what i suspect it will be; i need it to be thusly. otherwise, my truth would remain hidden deep in my core and i would continue to walk around, wondering why my sobriety isn't as good as i'd like it to be, why my relationship with my husband always seems strained....why i can't always hear the voice of God.

i have learned when i take my behavior and hold it up to the light (of truth), it is easy to see how things can seep through the cracks.

or i can think of bad habits and behaviors like an oil spill i believe i have contained in a pool of water...with a sieve. eventually, no matter how tiny the holes are, no matter how i "appear" to be handling that oil pot of bad behaviors, the result will ultimately be that the oil is going to seep its way out of the sieve and eventually infiltrate my pool of water. i find myself "suddenly" sitting in the pool with an oil slick and wondering how it could have happened.

::sigh::

time to start the clean up. i would tell you to send in the clean-up crew, but since it may only be comprised of men, my sponsor would give me a ration about it -- send women, only :)

my sponsor tells me i can't control my thoughts, but i can control my actions. she said since i (apparently) can't think my way into right acting, that i need to act my way into right thinking. that eventually, today's actions will become tomorrow's thoughts.

God, i hope so.