help a sister out.

i am an avid reader. i read all the time, every chance i get. i read at the red lights, the bank lines. we've discussed this before -- down time is reading time, in my book. :)

i need, actually, the definitive book that will help me in my decision making regarding what my religious practices should be.

(oh, you know it has been a very long time since i stirred anything up here, my three faithful readers. it is time.)

so i have been talking to God a lot lately and thought i would just *out* myself regarding the discussions i have had with The Big Guy. i love certain aspects of the Catholic Church. i love the *thought* of the Mass but during the Mass, i don't *feel* anything.

i just don't feel anything. at all.

i receive the Eucharist which is the source and summit of our faith, my head is usually bowed 95% of the time during the prayers of Consecration and after reception, and i still just don't feel anything.

i know i am supposed to feel something. i used to feel something. i almost felt euphoric at times. it has been months, literally months (probably years?) that i have felt so distant from this. i don't know what it is, exactly, i am supposed to do, so i was thinking i should probably read.

i feel like my life has been upside down for the past 8 months, not coincidentally when i put the drink away. am i where God wants me? am i really an alcoholic? did i marry the right person? am i in the right church? should i be a missionary?

these are the questions that roll around in my head, not unusually all at once, stream of consciousness. i just want to be right with God. i simply want to worship God, to study His Word. i want to hear amazing sermons. i want a closer, more connected line of communication. i wonder what He wants from me. where am i supposed to be in all of this, for Him?

so i figured i'd ask the most diverse audience i know -- how do you find God? is there a book you could point me to (please don't glibly say *the Bible* -- i have a few of those...) a great apologetic book on behalf of the faith, or one that would lean me toward Jesus in another direction?

i am open to suggestions - books, tapes, meditation assistants, whatever...also, if your suggestion is to "be still," i have heard that, tried it, have been trying it, feel complacent. need help.

just a little help.

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