God, i offer myself to Thee...

"Awakening"
24" x 24" Acrylic on Canvas, 1 3/8" depth gallery wrap, black edges
Nancy Standlee

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i really want to be relieved of the bondage of myself. i can do nothing apart from God, i recognize that, so yesterday, i laid down the swords of the other two addictions that i continue to let into my life so readily. i would like to say that i let them in readily....but in actuality, they slither in on their bellies, when i am at my weakest (or even my not-so-weakest) moments and say "hey pen...eating that won't really make that much of a difference, you can start over tomorrow..." or "hey pen, wasn't it so much fun chatting with your new friends when you played pool? it would be more fun to add them to instant messenger so you can continue the conversation(s)..."

[...to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt...]

sounds really simple when it starts out on such simple terms. however, because i have "a mind that lies, and diseases that want to kill me," i listen to my lying mind and submit to whatever ease the addiction allows to enter in. usually, and typically in the long run, it leaves me unfulfilled and wanting (desiring) more. the two diseases i have can kill my body; the one totally kills my soul. what a liar the devil is (my thoughts, not necessarily yours).

i said no to a lot of things yesterday, failing to remember my covenant with God to not pick up any flour or sugar and blowing it at dinner. this morning i have strengthened my resolve to not give in to those foodstuffs that so easily ensnare me. further, i deleted my instant messenger(s) (i had 4 with many, many friends) yesterday, as well as the contacts on my many lists (save for my "safe" ones) and am resolved to not using them today as a means to escape my existence.

[relieve me from the bondage of self so that i may better do Thy will...]

what are my top lines? what will i be substituting in for those things i have used for hours at a time to distract me from my life? perhaps today i can clean the fridge or fold clothes! what a novel idea! funny to think of these tasks under the guise of "good self care," but when i am nurturing my family by giving them a clean living space and fresh, clean clothes to wear, it will in turn do something to my innermost parts that is good and honest and clean as well.

i will read and journal. i will walk my dog. i will take care of my daughter, even though she is needing me less and less. but i will be here, and will be fully present.

[take away my difficulties so that victory of them may bear witness to those i would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life...]

such chains i tend to bind myself to. i long for the 9th step promise of "knowing a new freedom and a new happiness." i can sit and listen all i want when i am at meetings, nodding affirmatively to the profound statements my friends make. practical application is key, however, if i truly want to be a sober woman (in all my affairs).

[may i do Thy will always.]

(3rd Step Prayer, Alcoholics Anonymous)