you would think that i was on some pretty high spiritual grounds, wouldn't you?
not so, good readers, not so.
i still - still, still, STILL - revert back to old behaviors that are so wrong. wrong, wrong, WRONG. perhaps in an effort to be kind to myself, the conviction comes quickly - i mean shit -- how much MORE does God need to do to get my attention?
so where do i go from here? do i stay in Romans 7 land:
I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.although, i do recognize:
For I delight in the law of God in my inmost selfso now i am faced with the eternal question: about this thorn, God - i keep asking you to remove it. you have been slow to respond. now i am thinking that maybe i need to change my prayer. how about this:
if it pleases you, Lord, i pray that i embrace my *thorn* that in so doing, i may draw nearer to you and all you want for my life.
so i have a Savior who is willing to help me, He is willing to enter into this *thing* with me, He is unmovable whilst i roam. perhaps He can also help me accept this thing i cannot change or have the courage to change it if i can (with His help).
small little footnote, and some of my precious friends have walked this path with me before on a former blog: i am tapering off of my Effexor. i have been on anti-anxiety meds for 15 years now, and since i truly want to be clean and sober on all levels, i am trusting God (and my endocrinologist) to help me through this withdrawal period, which should take about 9-12 weeks. i meet with a neurologist this morning who may have a different method, but so far, i am doing ok. just a little shaky and nauseous, but bearable.
back to my thorny issue. i recognize it (my sponsor says "awareness is key") but i am taking responsibility for it and actually embracing it. my prayer today is that i do everything as "unto the Lord."