who will rescue me from this body of death?

so during this Lent, i have been pressing in...i have been attending Mass faithfully, even on some weekdays, have been going to Calvary Chapel Ocean City with one of my sponsees, attending a Recovery through Christ meeting on monday nights and a bible study at a Greek Orthodox church on tuesdays.  heck, i even got scripture permanently tattooed onto my skin to remind myself of how much God cares for me and loves me.

you would think that i was on some pretty high spiritual grounds, wouldn't you?

not so, good readers, not so.

i still - still, still, STILL - revert back to old behaviors that are so wrong.  wrong, wrong, WRONG.  perhaps in an effort to be kind to myself, the conviction comes quickly - i mean shit -- how much MORE does God need to do to get my attention?

so where do i go from here?  do i stay in Romans 7 land:  

I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
although, i do recognize:
For I delight in the law of God in my inmost self
so now i am faced with the eternal question:  about this thorn, God - i keep asking you to remove it.  you have been slow to respond.  now i am thinking that maybe i need to change my prayer.  how about this: 
if it pleases you, Lord, i pray that i embrace my *thorn* that in so doing, i may draw nearer to you and all you want for my life.

so i have a Savior who is willing to help me, He is willing to enter into this *thing* with me, He is unmovable whilst i roam.  perhaps He can also help me accept this thing i cannot change or have the courage to change it if i can (with His help).

small little footnote, and some of my precious friends have walked this path with me before on a former blog:  i am tapering off of my Effexor.  i have been on anti-anxiety meds for 15 years now, and since i truly want to be clean and sober on all levels, i am trusting God (and my endocrinologist) to help me through this withdrawal period, which should take about 9-12 weeks.  i meet with a neurologist this morning who may have a different method, but so far, i am doing ok.  just a little shaky and nauseous, but bearable.

back to my thorny issue.  i recognize it (my sponsor says "awareness is key") but i am taking responsibility for it and actually embracing it.  my prayer today is that i do everything as "unto the Lord."

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