oncology visit with mom

yesterday was our "initial" visit with her oncologist.  sure, she had seen him while she was in the hospital for 9 days in a row, but yesterday was her official "first, let's establish you as a patient" visit.

i suppose it went well.  her PET scan is scheduled for tuesday, her MRI of the brain, wednesday.  results are in:  9:15 a.m. friday.  i have enlisted my sibs and my spouse to help get her from place to place, but the visit friday, i must be the one in attendance.

the doctor said he'd like to use "chemotherapy and radiation" to shrink the tumor, and she "may not need surgery."  she "fist-bumped" me - i really don't want to be the negative one, but i can't help but wonder what he had been smoking prior to telling her that?  her tumor is 9cm x 9cm.  it's very large and while we don't know what her staging is, this bad boy has been growing for quite some time and the other doctor told me it was "inoperable."

my son max said "ma, she has hope!  that's so good!"  he's right.  i am not going to take that from her.  i gave her the fist bump back and said, "yeah ma - we GOT this!"

my insides are knotted up.  i can't sleep.  i can certainly eat (why o why, Lord of Hosts, can you not take my appetite during crisis times?) and tried for three days in earnest to give up smoking.  three days, fourth day = fail.  i have a new quit date of december 31st and am going to gear up to stop then.

[as an aside, i am an educated woman.  i denounced smoking, here on this blog, only four short years ago!  how self-righteous and mighty i was!  humbles the proud, He does.]

so i am here, i am going to keep this journal because i need to write.  i have this inherent need to write, even when or if nobody responds.  i don't know where else to go with it, so i come here.