Week 4

i'm on week 4 of withdrawal, and as a friend pointed out, i am on 1/2 the dose of FXR that i was only 6 months ago. i've tapered for the past three weeks what has been built up into my system these past few months. no wonder.

[interesting.]

i am not sleeping well. the dreams i remember having are disturbing to say the least. i have been through a lot of emotional moments at work and at home and it is getting old, but like my friend howard says "this too shall pass," but it can be wearying.

physically, i feel numb oftentimes. i have these really odd sensations that i have seen on the 'net described as "brain shivers," where you feel as though your brain is bouncing from side to side (really quickly) inside your head. i don't feel it like that, other than the side-to-side reference, but i feel my head go numb and it's the oddest sensation -- listen people, it's the closest i've been to feeling "buzzed" in well over two years, so maybe that's why i don't mind them so much.

Withdrawal effects may include headache, nausea, fatigue, dysphoria, “brain shivers”, irritability, and hostility. Symptoms exhibited with more rarity include tremors, shaking legs, vertigo, paresthesia, and dizziness. Other symptoms can include impaired concentration, bizarre dreams, agitation and suicidal thoughts.

(how effed up is that??) 

(thought i'd make it easy and highlight those symptoms i've experienced - and just to expand on the "suicidal thoughts" - i have had thoughts about not wanting to be here, not wanting to simply "be."  i am way too chicken and have carried a 5-year resentment about Bruce's killing himself, and swear i would never do that to my friends and loved ones...)

on a lighter note (tongue-in-cheek) - it's Holy week, i love it and tomorrow night, it's Holy Thursday and i am reading at Mass, the Mass of Thanksgiving. while i may not walk around in gratitude 24/7, i am grateful for many things. Good Friday is always powerful for me and at the Easter vigil, i am sponsoring my dearest friend for Confirmation. what a thrill that is, and what a walk we've had getting him there! i am grateful for this honor, certainly.

and i am so, so glad Easter is Sunday. not a minute too soon, i wonder if Jesus wanted to get the hell out of the desert when He neared Day 37? just a thought. He was probably all like "i'm STARVING," but probably not. He's got it more going on than i do. this has just been one seriously strenuous, eventful, painful, emotionally draining Lent and i am desperate for Easter.

thank you, Lord, that You will provide one.