all things are vanity

i went to a make-up demonstration this morning. if you know anything about me the 3 months i've spent blogging...but then again, i don't know if i've mentioned it...i am not big into make-up. a dear friend of mine is trying to advance in the mary kay cosmetic industries and she needed my assistance for *eyes* today so i went.

felt like a fish out of water, but i love my friend, so i stayed.

i think i am glad i did. i am still not sure. you see, i am not a person who spends a lot of time in the mirror and if i look at myself, it's simply to make sure i don't have bed-head or that my eye liner is not too severe (like i used to wear it when i was 18 and wanted it to be that way). i struggle with vanity.

my friend liesa struggles with it too, so i know i am not alone in this. i have a difficult time looking at myself, i have a difficult time with the way i dress and i know what the root of it is: three or four years ago, i lost weight. a lot of weight. like 75 pounds or something ridiculous like that. suddenly, i was getting attention like i had never had before and truth be told, i kind of liked it.

however, things happened and while most girls would relish in the attention and enjoy the comments, i felt uncomfortable and awkward about it. in fact, i stopped going to the gym because my focus was really shifted over to my *self* and i didn't like how that felt either (okay, okay - and the red face had something to do with that too...) i stopped really looking at myself in the mirror because i didn't like the person i was starting to become. so where is the balance?

i turned 40 and while it may be a cop-out, the atkins diet stopped working for me. it's like my metabolism slowed to a screeching halt and for whatever reason, the chicken wings and bleu cheese dressing wasn't helping in that 2 pound a week drop any longer; in fact, i started gaining the weight...no, not all of it, but enough to make a difference in how the clothes fit.

then the comments stopped.

i was no longer the center of attention. and i am comfortable with that.

but now i am in a place where i am desirous of losing the weight and feel i am on the right path to doing so through the weight watchers program (4th or 5th or 17th time offender, i forget) and have adjusted how i eat and quantities. my question is this: how do i achieve a balance?

as a Christian, or godly woman or man, how do you achieve a balance of maintaining a healthy outlook on taking care of your *temple* and keeping yourself attractive for your mate and not let it go to your head? i was told today i have a *holy fear* (but then my friend told me i needed to bind the enemy -- obviously a joyce meyer fan, too --) because that fear is what is keeping me from fully loving myself as God has created me - a beautiful woman (which of course, i cannot take a compliment so i told her to stop!!)

any thoughts? positive, negative or otherwsie? i really do struggle with finding the balance in this but for many, many reasons (too personal, probably meant for the dark blog) i can't go down that road again.

and i'd like to look at myself in the mirror and not feel guilty.