live in God's grace or choose bitterness?

i awoke this morning tremendously sad. i experienced one of the worst days of my life yesterday - huge fight with huge implications with the husband - which alone would have been horrific enough, but was completely compounded by the fact it was my birthday. that made it go from being just a really crappy day to being one of the worst birthdays on record.

i hate dual labels.

there were, actually, redeeming qualities to the day, but when you are sad and miserable, the redeeming factors start to minimize, especially if you choose to allow that to happen. i not only chose it, i wallowed in it. shamefully.

had to cancel dinner plans with my favorite pastor, his wife and kids and could barely choke out the cancelation over the phone through the tears...had to act like all was well with my soul around my children, who exult in birthdays but, thank you Jesus, had friends over all day and all night which acted as a distraction from mommy's swollen eyes.

it ended up we went to a new japanese restaurant for dinner - took the whole lot of them - the kind of place where they have the flattop grill in front of you and show off their pretty amazing knife skills and can do things with a spinning egg and spatula you previously thought was humanly impossible...three other ladies joined us at our table - an asian mom and her 7-year-old daughter (vivian) and her best friend (shabrina) - who together made the cutest two little ones i've had the pleasure of being in the company of in a very long time; the chef took a liking to shabrina and she exclained when he sprinkled sesame seeds in her hair that she'd "have to go to lashonda to get her braids redone!! i have 100 braids!!." they had the most expressive faces and were sheerly delightful to be around.

dinner went well, i felt my anger starting to fade and when the girls found out that it was my birthday, the mom said to me "the girls would like to sing song for you," at which moment they sang happy birthday to me, a capella. i was a puddle, but had no tears left - i said "i'll see you at the chinese restaurant where we can get some fortune cookies!" and they giggled b/c shabrina wanted fortune cookies, but was in the wrong place to get them.

i awoke this morning, still charmed by the girls but still empty in my heart because things went so badly between my husband and myself. i was up early, posted on my other blog but subsequently deleted it. what was the point? just to get out my frustrations and once that was done, it was okay to erase.

although i am going to have a tough time erasing what happened yesterday, i realize i can either choose to live in God's grace and be willing to live in a spirit of forgiveness, or i can choose bitterness and have yet another day of mine go down the drain. so much energy is used up and wasted in unforgiveness. these are the times when we need the foundation of Truth in our lives, when we can cling to the Word that will not return void within us...however difficult it is, i can't live with my head in the Book, but actually have to live it out in real life.

i called my husband to see how he was feeling; he was in a happy mood (!) and i asked if he needed anything and even though he said no, i might take his meds out to him because he has been ill for two weeks straight with laryngitis. i love him, he is my husband, we are knitted together in the sacredness of marriage. i won't let the devil steal, kill and destroy us like he's tried to before. we are bigger than that because greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world. no, you loser -- i choose God's grace today. you had me on my birthday, that's about as far as i'll let you go.

this is one of those refining weeks for us ahead, folks. please pray that we not become weary and lose heart.