honor thy father

this is a re-post of one of the first ones i've ever blogged, from back in november. since tomorrow is father's day, i thought it appropriate.

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that was tough growing up as we had not seen each other since 1978. never much of a dad to me, i missed that terribly. was forced to reckon with a prescription drug-addicted stepfather and mom who worked too much, i guess mainly out of necessity to feed 5 kids, but partially out of avoidance because the life she led at home was totally wretched from my now adult point of view.

i was fortunate enough to let go of the pain and anguish i felt in my heart over my "real" dad's inability to deal with the fact he had three children across the states from him, he being in arizona, we being in joisey (at least we had good produce). finding out he was failing in health with a disease that very well could have been heriditary, he reached out to let us know...it took five months for me to finally be coaxed into calling him and starting a relationship over the phone and internet. thank you God for humbling my heart in order to do so.

i found out he wasn't quite the abomination i always envisioned him to be. in fact, i found out that he is where i got many of my traits from (all the good ones, of course, so he said...) one of the things most intriguing about him was his devout faith. a faith that i thought i had, but sincerely lacked the more i got to know my father.

he was a huge thomas merton fan and i, in turn, have become one in his absence. my dad passed away nearly three years ago and is buried at the Holy Trinity monastery in st. david's, arizona. what an honor and privilege it was to read from the Word at his funeral, walk through the stations of the Cross on the grounds, which were amazing and peaceful and lovely.

now i honestly miss him, not for reasons of why he wasn't there for me growing up, but for the mere fact he would have been a wellspring of knowledge when it comes to helping me through my trials. i have a hard time with the doctrine of purgatory, however, if he is in purgatory rather than heaven (to atone for those sins that went either unconfessed or without penance), then he has my prayers on a daily basis. i hope he, in turn, is praying for me.

below is his favorite prayer from thomas merton which has, of course, turned into mine as well.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Through the Year with Thomas Merton

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happy father's day, pop.