running to or running from?

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.


Source: Francis Thompson (1859-1907), from "The Hound of Heaven"
from The Daily Dig

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there are things about me that not many who read this particular blog know about. nor am i going to do the "big reveal" here, either. it's this thing i have that goes on inside me and it's bothersome and for the most part, i have it conquered (through Jesus, only through Jesus) but there are some days it is fierce and it is embedded and it is dark and i was wondering today while on my knees at mass if i am really pursuing God or if i am running from Him because i can't seem to shake this *thing*.

i want to shake this thing.

it's a small pit in my stomach on most days, and while a bit troublesome, through prayer and supplication, i get through.

then there are days where it is deep inside, and i cannot seem to shake it, no matter how much i try to. praying out loud, calling on the name of Jesus, it dissipates but only momentarily. then it's back, stronger than ever. like today. it's not a depression. it's a sin, and it's ugly. please trust me on that.

it's indefinable, indescribable, and at times, unbearable. i am stuck in quintessential romans 7 land and i want to get out. i was told in another blog to "just freakin' stop it." i wish it were that simple.

i want God to crash into me. i want to feel the presence of Jesus as closer than a brother. i want our worlds to collide. i want to enter into His presence and not dare to escape. i want to run to Him and not from Him. the more i think i am approaching Him, the farther away i seem.

this is what i want. this is not how i feel. i feel as though He is leaving me all alone.

that is my reality.