where do i go from here?

something has been brewing in my Spirit over the last several weeks and it is not something i have shared with anyone, up until yesterday.

i feel like i am at a Spiritual impasse. i read plenty of blogs where folks are struggling with their discernment, arriving at decisions, steadfast in their faith; in fact, i thought of myself as "one of the steadfast," but alas, i am not.

this may even be confusing to some as i feel like this may be an admission of sorts: i am having issues with my faith - or is it my religion?

i converted to Catholicism 10 years ago; 11 at this year's Easter Vigil. i was as sure as anyone could be as i had been involved in the RCIA program once already and withdrew because my heart was not ready and i found the instructor to be tepid. two years later, i was back in class and enjoyed the program immensely. after i converted, i quickly became involved in the choir, decided that was not for me and the following year, became a lector, which i still have a passion for.

i have the tendency to jump in with both feet when i am new at something - and became involved in and instituted various programs within our church community. things have come and gone and torches have been passed, but i have managed to stay with the RCIA program as one of the presenters and still lector and serve as Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist.

why am i explaining all of this? so you can see i have a solid background in my faith and have served the Church for the last 10 years without hesitation. i am not a pew-warmer by nature and being involved helped me entrench myself in my new-found love, the Church.

fast forward to the last few months....maybe even the last year? if i am to be honest about this anywhere, it must be here on my blog: i have found myself at odds with things the Church teaches about. i will not go into detail, but i would most certainly be considered an heretic based upon my views of certain dogma of the Church.

so much so that it pains me to feel this. it pains me beyond anything i can describe when i feel as though i am no longer a *fit* -- i feel like i need to immerse myself in the Catechism to know why the Church feels the way it does, but in doing so, find myself looking for loopholes out of sheer necessity of staying *in*.

am i in?

i wanted to be involved in something that i also feel God closed the door on. this revelation made me break down and cry - cry like i had just lost something dear to me, feeling panic rise up within me (you know how you feel when God speaks something into your heart, there is no denying that it was Him), and confusion settling in that spot that was seemingly so obvious to me that i needed to do that was obviously not what God wanted for me and i now find my faith on teetering pressure-treated lumber.

where do i go from here?

i told a friend yesterday -- i am too liberal in my thinking to be Catholic, but too in love with the sacredness of ancient texts, Sacred Tradition, and art to be anything but Catholic! i also believe the Eucharist is the source and summit of my faith, love Mary and the angels and the saints, the richness of the Mass -- i find the Mass transporting.

how could i be anything but Catholic?

is there still a place for me in this faith, or because of my dissent from certain teachings, does that serve to escort me out of the back pew, left-hand side?

am i in?