that is all i wish to lead.
everything is so complicated lately, heavy. one thing (my health), after another (my mother's health), after another (my health, again) and i am not equipt to handle this (and now, let's add complicated business issues) heaviness. all i wish to do is lead a simple life: serve God, take care of my family, work, rest, and that would be about it.
love. i simply want to love.
nothing is simple any more. nothing. it is all complicated and has been for months...not letting up, it feels as though the waves that came intermittently have turned into rain that has become a torrential downpour, like the flood of tears that came when my kind oldest son just "happened" to come home to say "how are you, mom?" it was unfair to unload on him, but it could have been anyone. he's just blessed, i guess.
wracked with sobs, i just sat at the dining room table and said "i can't deal with this any more, i am undone."
serve God. take care of my family. love. i don't even know where to start to simplify, it is all beyond complicated and transcendant.
13 comments:
Penni, I've heard it said that if we took all of our problems out of our pockets and laid them on the table to trade with one another--pretty soon there'd be a mad scramble to grab our own problems back for keeps.
Your pocket seems too heavy, yes, but it is YOU and your unique, exquisite soul in possession of this load.
You ARE equipped: with grace. And for letting us walk with you, I say thank you.
One of my close friends and fellow RCIA leader should be retired but his son lost his job and ran afoul of things over time, incurring serious debts. Friend balled the family out by cashing in all, that's all, his savings. Friend's daughter in law did bad things with the money and they are in trouble again. Friend could have kept his money.
Now he drives a handi-transit bus. He is trying very hard to avoid bankruptcy himself now and has put his home of 30 years on the market. The market is dead. On the advice of someone who said they would help financially Friend made a down payment on a small apartment and is due to take possession in Feb. The house continues to remain unsold. Soon he will carry two major debts while unable to pay for one. One way or the other, short of a miracle he is going to loose the house anyway.
His wife has a serious medical condition that requires about 800. in bills a month. Friend's daughter is pregnant with twins this weekend was rushed to hospital. I will spare the details. A grandson from another child of his was taken to a special infections unit last night and gave the family a major scare. He is recovering. Friend is afraid his wife will die, give up her faith or that he himself will have a heart attack any day.
I have not mentioned the friend of Friend who recently got him involved in what I believe is just another variation on Scamway. Nothing to do with that company but a pyramid scheme where you "help" people reduce their debt load and help them become a "financial adviser" just like you - for 500.00 to get in the door.
I have not mentioned another problem. One that goes back to the abuse of a priest from long ago that has Friend's wife pinned under an emotional hell.
My friend says he is nearly undone. He leads RCIA and the folks have no idea what's going on. He tells me nearly everything but he never burdens them.
I pray for them almost daily, as I do for you and for myself and for many others going through a prolonged testing time.
P.S.
My fridge died last month. The stove literally blew up two days ago.
I really like what Holly said. That resonates greatly.
I'm convinced that it is only in the 'looking back' that we truly see how God led us thru the trials, how He refined us, transformed us, and molded us more deeply into the image of Christ. I also believe that our relationship with Him is made all the more richer because we participate in the sufferings of Christ.
It's tough, no doubt. (as you'll see on my blog, we're beginning the new trial of FIL's lung cancer) But Pen, you are one who I KNOW walks with the Lord. Always, ALWAYS remember that He promises to never leave nor forsake you. And remember that He is sovereign over all things - He sees the beginning and the end - He knows and ordains the whole picture.
I pray that you find solace in His Word, and in His people - your friends who walk this journey with you.
I love you~
Do you have an email contact? I'd like to email you, but I can't find one.
Suzanne
(((Penni))) I am praying. I am feeling the every-day strain in other ways, but your weariness touches a place in my own heart.
He keeps whispering that HE IS SUFFICIENT...and I pray that both of us can hear and believe Him today.
Holly said, "I've heard it said that if we took all of our problems out of our pockets and laid them on the table to trade with one another--pretty soon there'd be a mad scramble to grab our own problems back for keeps."
The idea of my comment was to illustrate that by putting an actual face on it not to detract from the reality of your own trials, dear pen. Just wanted to be clear on that. It's so easy to be misunderstood online by others.
You start, simply, one day at a time. That's all, and that's enough. Have you read the litany in this month's Magnificat?
Just today.
one day, one hour, the next minute, the next breath.....before long it stretches out, and you are through it. Not without scars, but it does end. Nothing lasts forever in this life.
For some strange reason that I can't yet fathom, I went through this last year....about this time....it is over, now. and it was literally, one breath at a time.
hang in there.
Tom said what I was trying to figure out how to communicate ... but so much better than I would have.
Remember in the Old Testament when someone (Moses? Joshua?) was praying for the people during a battle? He had to hold his arms up while he prayed and they would be winning. If he lowered them then they would begin losing. So when he got so tired he couldn't do it any more two people came and held his arms up for him. We are lifting you up in the same way.
Love you. Julie
Praying for you Penni...
As others have said, just let the grace carry you right now, and don't try to make sense of it all. Just surrender it all to Him and focus on breathing in the light and warmth that surrounds you. Much love to you.
"i can't deal with this any more, i am undone."
be undone is to be on the way to simplicity. You can find nothing less complicated than surrender.
You will be fine. The road you walk has been trod before you, by others who have survived and grown stronger. Stay the course and hold fast to what you have, and trust those who promise that you will get by, one day at a time, undone. Praying for you.
(hugs) admitting your brokeness is the first step and as Jesus said - do you want to be healed? - if so He will heal you He will help you de-complify your life - it won't be easy lesscomplicated = less luxury and more of Him - but He's blessing you in this ...
hold tight - this IS the ride of your life!
Penni:
My apologies that it has taken so long to write...the last few days have been somewhat "demanding", and my personal time has been at a minimum. I have prayed for you and pulled for you, and thought of you so very often these last few days. When you wrote that you were "undone"....I KNEW that this could open an incredible "door" of spiritual growth for you! It's just those times that we admit to our own "helplessness", that we allow The Holy Spirit to take hold, and help us where we need it most. "Coming undone" means that you are crying out to God - and He hears those cries of the heart. Here are some passages from Romans that I have been studying the past several days...see what you think. They provide insight, comfort, strength, resolve, and wisdom, to see more clearly where you are at. Surrendering to Him is The Way to a closer walk With Him. He will never leave you nor forsake you. NOTHING (nothing) can separate us from the Love of God (read on)....what an amazing thing to comprehend (or at least, to TRY to comprehend). You are in my prayers, so very often. It's okay (perfectly natural) to ask for prayer, from those of us who are also on this same Path of Faith....in fact, I believe we are expected (encouraged) to pray for one another, to help each other along...as an expression of love & grace...it's mystical - and practical - and powerful. I wish I could tell you the number of times that the love & prayers of others have carried me thru some pretty "dark" times, and shed some light, when it seemed to me that my own light was going out....we are humbled, and we are encouraged, by the witness & support of our fellow Christians. Ours is an amazing journey. I am blessed to be walking it with you, even at this(physical)distance. In Spirit, we are "next-door neighbors". :)
Here's the scripture I mentioned (from Romans).. Let it sink into your spirit, and teach you the very real Truth it contains:
8:26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness, for we do not know how we should pray, 29 but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with inexpressible groanings. 8:27 And he 30 who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit 31 intercedes on behalf of the saints according to God’s will. 8:28 And we know that all things work together 32 for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose, 8:29 because those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that his Son 33 would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 34 8:30 And those he predestined, he also called; and those he called, he also justified; and those he justified, he also glorified.
8:31 What then shall we say about these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 8:32 Indeed, he who 35 did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will he not also, along with him, freely give us all things? 8:33 Who will bring any charge against God’s elect? 36 It is God who justifies. 8:34 Who is the one who will condemn? Christ 37 is the one who died (and more than that, he was raised), who is at the right hand of God, and who also is interceding for us. 8:35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will trouble, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 38 8:36 As it is written, “For your sake we encounter death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” 39 8:37 No, in all these things we have complete victory 40 through him 41 who loved us! 8:38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor heavenly rulers, 42 nor things that are present, nor things to come, nor powers, 8:39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
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