walking in disobedience

i am certain after my two previous posts, one could conclude i have an issue with alcohol. not the case. however, if i continue to drink the way i did friday afternoon into the evening, i am sure i could exchange my one addiction for another.

i am a depressed person -- depressed and anxious. the 40mg Paxil is not enough any more and i have a doctor's appointment on tuesday to see if we could maybe switch things up a bit; perhaps my receptors are not longer recepting or exchanging with the proper synapses. i am not 100% sure about anything other than i emailed the Associate Counsel after her voice mail message and it seems they are putting any hiring "on hold" until at least october, but she reassured me how much they enjoyed meeting me again. okay -- so do you want me to work with you or would you like to head out to borders for coffee and books one day?

my cynicism isn't pretty; i must apologize.

i went to Pastor Charlie's church last week and he wants me to hook into a bible study -- you see, he was the person i ran to after my confession went south. he knows my *junk* better than anybody else (yep, even my best friend jeff!) -- he is worried about me and basically kicked my ass scripturally because of my behavior, which was good. he also extended me love and grace and while he "didn't absolve me" of my sins in the formal sense, he has assured me that God has forgiven me and that i shouldn't sin any more.

that didn't last very long because friday i was in the worst possible way i could ever be in. don't "feel" the pain, pen -- react to it and do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better, even if it means thumbing your nose at God and doing that thing you love to do.

and i did.

i know in my heart of hearts i am walking in disobedience. i know the difference between right and wrong behavior, in ordered and disordered desires. the thing i have is so compelling, so incredibly alluring that it could be nothing more than an addiction - having finished my book Addiction and Grace, i know it is. i know it is simple to stop (for some people) just as i find the thought of shooting heroin into my veins as reprehensible. we all have our *things* whether we would like to admit them or not.

however -- here's the $20 question for today -- is my blatantly walking in disobedience -- barefooted, rocky road strewn with glass -- preventing me from obtaining my blessing (i.e., the new position)? is God using this time in the desert for me to say "hey penni -- why don't you stop doing that *thing* and find a better way to get My attention?" i know this is all rhetorical at this point, but i am wondering what you think, in a general sense, about this theory: could willfully sinning prevent a blessing?

by even talking about this out loud, i believe i am finally passing the point of I Don't Give a Shit, turning the corner to Oh My God I am So Sorry for My Sins.....i just wish there were an easier way to travel.


wrote this prior to attending church today. a long post should follow, but i am really exhausted, just know i am broken and at the end of my self. i received prayer from the elders and some awesome people and afterwards, attended a luncheon at my friend's house (who actually initially interviewed me for the tech position - she has left the hospital but remains my friend, as well as her daughter, now)... i must admit, i feel hope.

i am just very tired. i guess this is what it feels like to hit rock bottom -- i am well beyond my comfort zone in my sin sickness and instead of going to the doctor's on tuesday, i am cancelling and going for counseling...

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