|Coatue on Nantucket Island|
I exchanged emails with a friend yesterday and in one of my responses, I said I am feeling like things are *normal*, which is weird. It is odd to say things are normal when you have lived in an abnormal condition for so long. Five years of active engagement in my addiction is a long time.
But what is normal? It would vary from person to person, I believe.
Yes, I am working a lot between the two jobs, which is why I haven't posted in a week and why comments on the blogs of friends are sporadic, at best. I am at least reading and sending up arrow prayers, but being able to type something that is at least a bit worthy has been failing this writer, so praying is the best I can do. Last week, I worked 55 hours; this week, I will hit 60. And no, believe it or not, I am not tired. I am being equipped :)
Although I am working so much, I am still able to get my household things done, although not to the greater degree of perfection I am sure many of my homemaker friends strive for. Nobody here is suffering to my knowledge.
I am even going away this Friday with Amy to Mark Mossa's Deaconate Ordination in Boston - how cool is that? And the thought of being away from the computer for that long didn't cross my mind until I started typing this sentence. Before, it would grieve me and cause me angst and a bit more anxiety than your average person.
Yes, I was that sick.
I am knitting again (bagged the crocheting project -- I would rather knit and keep on tracking than undo every freaking stitch after realizing I miscounted over the previous hour...) I am watching television shows with my husband and reading a lot, especially in the morning hours. I state all of the above because it is all different for me, behaviorally, because the morning hours would be spent engaged in my internet addiction....as soon as I would return home from the hospital, I would go online....after dinner, online....when I awoke in the middle of the night, online....when I was off all day, online all day.
For five years. But honestly, I was not simply *surfing the net*. The day will come when I will totally "out" myself and my junk. It's been three weeks sober, if you will -- totally, undeniably sober -- which I think totally rocks (thank you GOD!!) but I am not ready to come clean to all of my online friends. When I feel I may be able to help others who struggle in the same area, I will do so, but three weeks clean doesn't make me assume I am cured, and it would be too prideful to say that I am at this point (but I don't feel prideful because I know it all happened when I was prayed over three Sundays ago -- is that cool or what??)
The day will come, with God's help, when I will say what I had been doing. I can tell you this much: even though the temptation comes and goes, still -- it is fleeting, at best. The devil whispers in my ear the negativities and attempts to implant the desire once again, but I pray him away and tell him he is wrong, the desire isn't there and I wish to remain normal.
Is this what normal really is?
If it is, I kind of like it :)
P.S. On my way to the office, I was listening to a local Christian radio station that had a pastor talking about the "small things" and he quoted Zechariah 4:10: For who hath despised little days?. He further went onto explain how we should not "despise the days of small things." I thought "that's timely" and wanted to share....