(did i mention this blog will show the *otherness* of me? buckle up. it's not going to pretty)
typical responses from my head:
- i have wanted to curl into a ball and not leave my house
- the thought of walking to a ladies' room in a restaurant paralyzed me for 20 minutes until i could summon the courage to do so because i didn't want to talk to anyone if i saw someone i knew and didn't want to consider having *small talk* with someone i didn't...
- that i have felt internal rage over my children's bickering
- i have entertained thoughts of dying. not of killing myself, although it seemed a better alternative than suffering through my jolts every 8 seconds
- smoking cigarettes for the first time in 15 years seemed like a good idea
- i dread the holidays with everything that is in me
- that i feel like i am going to drown when i fall asleep because i have recurring dreams of being underwater and unable to breathe
- i have felt like running away
- that i burst into tears when i was getting ready for work and realized i left my coffee upstairs in my room and didn't have the energy to go get it
- no thought it my head seems rational. not one. nothing flows any more.