thought for the day: i am of the opinion that AA meetings on friday nights should begin around 5 and end "whenever."
this has been a pretty bad day. it seems like whenever i start off feeling good, there is something that comes along (and today, it was in the form of two teens who are near and dear to me) and knocks me right out and over.
i sit in meetings and listen to folks say that they are grateful for being alcoholic. i fucking hate being an alcoholic. i am sorry for this language, folks, but it is inside and it is coming out like i am purging all the anger i have had for so many years but have been unable to feel. because if you *feel* your feelings, you are at risk for letting people down and if you are afraid to show disappointment, you keep it bottled inside until you explode at probably the least appropriate moment. for years i have kept my anger and disappointment inside of me, to the point of feeling like an actor on the outside.
so yeah, i hate being an alcoholic. i hate the fact that i cannot pick up a drink without it turning into an entire bottle. i hate the fact that i let alcohol control me instead of the other way around. and i hate the fact that it is happy hour and i am pretty un-fucking-happy.
but i won't drink. i'll just come here and spread the joy.