i think as i approach the weekends, i can feel my inward self start craving. that must be it. in addition to the lack of funds that really is overtiring to discuss, Christmas shopping with $0 after only an hour is equally as overtiring to the point of exhaustion, mentally.
so i found myself terribly agitated and even entertained the thought of having a glass of wine and calling it a night after my hour-long venture. i am learning through my meetings (sorry Micky, whoever you are, dear one) that you should turn things over to your Higher Power (which is in my case God, Jesus, Holy Spirit -- go Triune or go home...) and replace the thought with something of gratitude.
how do you think that was working for me, yesterday? uh, not so well. i was talking to Him in the car on the way to the meeting i reluctantly attended -- day 17 of sobriety yesterday, look at me thinking i have wiggle room for reluctance -- and out loud told Him i didn't feel grateful, that i am so sick of being poor, that i think this whole thing is "too little, too late" because our finances are still in such a state of disrepair. seriously, God -- what the fuck? what is the point of not picking up a drink if things aren't going to get any better?
and so it went, as i was in most of my day, during my commute to my meeting i remained up in my head.
then of course, our meeting was on Step Two, Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity... what, me insane? that is preposterous (said the girl who has conversations with herself all day...) but the noise and my angst slowly eased as we read and i listened to the folks do their sharing. not a "glum lot": funny. insightful, wise. sober. grateful to be there, it started settling in me, as well.
this is my favorite meeting, there is a tremendous amount of wisdom and warmth, support and encouragement in this room, and i feel better before i leave. i discuss with some ladies how many days i've been without alcohol and get chastised (just a little) about not picking up the phone to reach out and call someone instead of staying in my head. duly noted; am new at this.
i have so much to learn, but for today, the lesson i take from yesterday is that i did not drink, i did not act out on my other junk, and i have been given another opportunity to make things better for today.
staying in my day instead of my head.
(collage by Robert Magginetti)