most of you will think i have serious bi-polar issues. i may.

but honest to God, this has been the saddest Christmas i can ever recall. i guess i have so much junk, so much baggage that is now starting to come up and be purged that i can't even think straight.

this morning was disastrous for reasons i cannot get into here. i then thought maybe i should attend a meeting, which was an even bigger disaster because it was in a small, dank room where smoking was allowed and the stale odor hung over the room like a pall. i thought i was going to go nuts of i stayed any longer so i left after maybe three minutes.

i am in such depression that you can see it in my eyes, as i feel it in my heart. and to add to the drama that is my life, one of my friends told me he'd "pass on talking to me" ever again. my heart absolutely hurts.

i am despairing. i wish i knew where all of this was coming from but i am now starting to think it isn't really alcoholism, that it is more like clinical depression.

i hate this. this totally sucks.