withdrawal method

i am noticing a withdrawing of friends. i have friends i have met online and haven't heard from them nearly as regularly as i did when i was *party girl*. hmm. interesting stuff, that. i have a friend who is a sommelier at a schmancy restaurant who i met at the liquor store and we became friends thereafter, but am wondering how long this relationship will really last as we no longer have the *big common thread* that wove through each of our tapestries at one time. have only the "i love him, he is my friend" thread. no more wine at the dinner table. will be interesting to see where this leads.

change is good, or so we are told. i sit in these meetings and simply listen. i chat a bit with the person next to me if there is a break, but for the most part, i listen. their stories are staggering and i try to suppress facial expressions other than the one of compassion and a listening ear. i sit and bend my will not to compare myself to these others -- it is apparent there are varying degrees of this illness and while i may not have climaxed with mine, i feel like i pulled out just in time. (forgive the metaphors...)

so there are levels of dis-ease just as there are levels of friendships. it is now i will find out just how deep or committed my friendships are, but surprisingly, i am not sad about it. in fact, i will probably feel, in the end, that i discovered such things before anything disastrous came about that could affect me for a lifetime. a sort of birth (death?) control.

(it was good to pull out.)

10 comments:

annie said...

This friend thinks of you often Penni, and prays for you. She has good intentions of sending an email but has not done it yet. It is a tough journey you are on and personal growth is often lonely work.

I'm very proud of you (and I know you were not "fishing" for praise) and thankful that you made the decision to pull away before things got terribly worse.

Owen said...

This is where a mother's wisdom bears out, specifically my mom's wisdom about genuine and fair whether friends. She always told me that I would not find it difficult to know who my true friends are though, I might find it difficult to know who my true friends are.

Peace be with you...

O onionboy.ca {arts & fath} luminousmiseries.ca {faith & art}

Kat said...

Pen;

Remember if you are able to call someone friend that is a gift, if they can call you friend that gift is given again to you. Your friends will be there in whatever way they can for you and support you, sometimes the support given may not be what you want or think you need but it is there.

There is something on my blog I hope you get a chance to read today.

~m2~ said...

you must know that present company is excluded in my posting, above. i know that my true friends will stick by me, through it all, and be non-judgmental and supprotive. i have received affirming emails, wonderful cards. in all of this, i am truly beginning to see where i am immensely blessed.

immensely.

Kat said...

We know, but don't feel to bad if a friend can't support you in the way that you want, human failings and being fallen human beings...

Hope said...

It's a sad but true reality dear friend. You will lose friends. My family told me I was much more fun before I sobered up.

One of the biggest gifts sobriety has given me is a new group of friends who cheer me on in my recovery and want only the best for me. They slap me up the side of the head when I need it and hug me at the same time. I can be human and honest about my humanity and it only makes them love me more.

Blessings to you. Btw dearest one was supposed to mail the journal pages to you yesterday so I hope they are on their way.

Amy said...

I don't know if you do, or ever did consider me a friend, but I'm still here...being swamped with life and change and stuff.....still drop in to see how you're doing. Please know that you're in my prayers..and my facebook aparently :)

~m2~ said...

hope, i go to the post office once a week - i've gotten two responses (from the same person!) but am looking forward to more!

and yes, amy -- you know i love you and have followed you since before you were married. i think of you often and miss your wisdom (thank you for adding me as a facebook friend, even though i never go on there!) thanks for checking in.

warrior scout said...

for me, there definitely was an "emporor in new clothes" kinda thing that happened. i felt exposed, and alone, and like everyone could see who i really was and they were all tee-heeing. but that was really just me seeing myself without all the commotion i usually had around me. it passed. my friends have changed, many of the good ones have re-emerged, and my life is no comparison. i can look myself in the eyes in the mirror and truly be proud of who i am.

happy holidays. find faith that you'll work through all this. recovery is something wonderful.

angelmeg said...

Haven't you ever heard addage about friendships beaing for a reason, a season or a lifetime. If you think aobut it that way you won't be so upset about the "reason" friends that don't stay around.