the meeting on tuesday night was rough because not only am in recovery for my alcohol dependency, i still have a difficult time with the "it is a sickness" part and i am trying to reconcile that within myself. i had a shitful childhood because of my stepfather's "illness" because along with that illness came a lot of harsh words and actions that left an indelible mark on me and my heart. we read something from the big book the other night that really disturbed me entitled "to Wives." it basically was instructing women (who this ancient book is geared toward in the "this is a man's problem" sense) on how to react and deal with their alcoholic husband in a non-critical way and i found myself sitting on the fence between the struggling alcoholic who desires to be clean and just begs for a bit of indulgence while i figure it all out and my inner (apparently still hurting) 14 year-old who shielded her younger brothers from the onslaught once dad was high again...why should she be so understanding?
truth be told, i was very uncomfortable during this meeting for the above-stated reasons. am still processing it all and know i need to re-read the chapter and be open to what it is seeking to instill in me. i have not subjected my family to a lot of drunken bouts or hangovers. i have never really embarrassed them in public or in private because most of what i did within my drinking self was carried on out of earshot and eyesight and included my internet addiction as most of what i did (that was *wrong* on so many levels) on the internet was during my drinking times. i have internalized much of what my compulsive self brought me to, save for skirting the specifics in confession other than "i did wrong things" and a lot of this chapter didn't pertain to me.
but as the child of an addict, the whole chapter freaking dealt with me. this is the uncomfortable part. this is the part that is going to make me take my experiences from my past and bring them to the forefront and finally confront them.