crossing over

i went to a new Big Book meeting last night that had been recommended by a couple of folks that i know and lasted all of maybe 10 minutes. why, you ask? (think i wouldn't tell you? i can at least *share* here!)

it was imposing. it was big and crowded and this brand-new group started last week so newcomers to the meeting this week were to stand and recite their names and their pecularity (hi, i'm penni and i have a desire to remain sober) then stand again later and agree to admit their lives had become unmanageable blah blah blah. my sponsor was sitting across the room from me and knew by the look on my face i was already freaking on the inside and the guy next to me leaned over and said "all you have to do is not drink, call your sponsor and go to meetings. if this isn't for you, it's okay," and with that he left.

i followed not 3 minutes later.

i called home to let them know i was going to my other meeting because i knew it was (a) friday night and (b) i needed a meeting because of (a). i felt safe at last.

what i realized is that not every meeting is going to be for me. it doesn't necessarily mean i need to explore the reasons why, it can sometimes mean it is what it is and it isn't what it isn't. i don't need it to be gung-ho, rah rah blah rally around the troops for an hour. i don't need to share in the reading with everyone in the room, reading aloud together (i go to Mass and recite the Psalms that way; i'm good with that). it is difficult enough showing up some days, let alone stand and be counted among the hurting. i don't want to be acknowledged for being there, i just want to "be."

i crossed over to a different phase of my sobriety, a mere 41 days into same. i am finding what i have heard others say: take what you can use, leave the rest. i left the rest when i left the building to go to my other meeting. while i don't knock anyone who is finding what they need in that particular place, and maybe i will be *ready* for that one day, yesterday wasn't the day for me and i don't know if next friday will be, either.

i am living in today, and walking on the lighter side of the bridge.

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