history lesson

one of the first things my sponsor wanted me to do was write down my history. all of it. leave nothing out. she said it would give her insight as to how to help me. it took two weeks, but i finally finished.

yesterday, i had breakfast with my sponsor and gave her my journal with my history in it. we finished breakfast early, then went and had coffee at my house and, thereafter, went to a meeting.

i have to admit, there was some pretty harrowing stuff in there. really eye-widening crap. starting at the age of 13. i was a little nervous on and off all day, wondering if she had read it, what she thought, would she call me? i let it go and gave it to God. He's good that way.

i went to a second meeting last night, just because i wanted to and it was a meeting i hadn't attended yet (there is a later one at 8 that i love, but this particular meeting is where i am thinking of making it my home group, but i am digressing...) to my surprise, my sponsor was there with another of her sponsees (she has 6 - is that too many?) and i sat and pulled out my knitting and remembered she had my journal -- i asked her "did you have a chance to *read* anything today??"

her eyes got wide and she came up and hugged me and said, "oh, thank you for sharing!"

i said, "oh, wow -- okay -- do you think i am one fucked up chick now?"

"no - if you want to know *really fucked up*, i can tell you my history. now my history is something to talk about!!"

::blink, blink::

can i tell you? for some reason, at that precise moment in time, i not only didn't want to know her history, i was uncertain if i wanted her to be my sponsor....wtf is wrong with me??

"i didn't know you would be here tonight or i would have returned your journal to you." and that was it.


poured my freaking heart onto paper, gave it to her, and all her response to me was to tell me she is more fucked up than i am. and this, my gentle readers, was the only thing that was said to me after laying my soul bear in such a way as i have never done before. to be told i was less fucked up than she was, that she had me beat by a mile.

and yes, i realize i am being selfish. that i am making this all about me. but for the LOVE OF GOD, it was MY HISTORY and therefore, for once, IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME!!!

to be fair, i must tell you she has told me i have an incredible amount of willingness; that she can see it is apparent i have a personal relationship with God, and that we have "a lot in common." she has a lot of sponsees because she is dedicating her life to helping the struggling alcoholic and that is really cool. AGAIN, this was my history, my heartache, my disturbing past, my vulnerabilities splayed out on paper, my childhood i had been robbed of, ad nauseum.

bottom line: her past was worse than mine.

is this what sponsorship is? a lesson in comparison? is this supposed to give me insight as to why i ended up romancing a glass of wine as though it were a clingy lover (with great legs, if it were a finer merlot but again, i am digressing yet again....) i don't know what to make of all this but do know that i was a bit taken aback and if there is anyone with sponsor/sponsee information that would make this all a bit more palatable for me, have at it.

i do know, however, that God has a lesson in all of this for me. i think now i'll just hang back and wait until He gives me a bit of insight (perhaps through one of you....)

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