if any of you read my previous post (oh, and why wouldn't you?), you would know i had the angst-ridden decision of "should i stay or should i go?" after my meeting last night.

anxiety ridden penni left after the meeting. it's all good, hopefully next year i may feel comfortable enough to stay. thing is, nobody there was drinking. we went out to dinner at our favorite restaurant and sat at the bar (which was probably a mistake, but i survived) and while i was comfortable with my hub, was not comfortable being around drinking in general.

i simply don't fit in, anywhere.

i know, i am new to sobriety and all, and i sit and listen and marvel at all the freaking wisdom in the rooms and just listening is a totally new experience for me because i have something to say no matter where i go about whatever it is i am hearing, but not yet. i was told to listen my first 90 meetings.

so i go and listen.

and it's hard. regardless of how warm these people are, how wonderful, i knit and think and ponder and smile and feel i still do not feel as though i fit in.

but i don't know where else to go.

today, i was a reader at Mass. before going up to receive Communion, i read ahead in my Magnificat and this is where my eyes landed:

As fire has to have continuous contact with an object to affect it, so an intermittent thought cannot bring about passion in a heart; a certain amount of time is necessary. -- St. Basil)

i am a spiritual enough being to know that nothing happens by accident, and if my eyes hit that page at that certain moment (two days ahead of time), that God wanted to show me something. we live in a microwave society, where we want things to occur under a minute or less. if nothing else, i am learning how to be patient (even though i don't like it). it is okay that i don't fit in. if i am feeling uncomfortable, there is a reason for that and i now know i must explore and come to an end of it before i can really [finally] live in my own skin.

at least in my own skin, i'll fit.