Beyond Recovery - Brenda Schmidt

i think the last couple have days had really wiped me out. i didn't "feel well" all day yesterday - nausea, tired. we ate dinner around 6:00 and since my meeting wasn't until 8:00, i said "i think i'll lay down on the couch," and my husband said he'd wake me at 7:15 so i could get to my meeting.

he tried; i don't recall as i was dead asleep until a little after 9:00. he said, "it's time to get ready for your meeting," to which i replied, "i don't feel well -- is that a cop-out?" he said "no, not at all..."

went to bed for real at 10:00 and woke up at 5:00. think i was tired?

i received a book i ordered at the suggestion of my sponsor - by the way, unless the book is totally used the way i use mine (i.e., highlighted, writing in the margins), i will be "previously read" since i am cheap learning to be frugal. it came yesterday and it is almost like the "what to expect when you're expecting" book for alcoholics. so far, i am finding a lot in it that i like, so we'll see.

i was also loaned a couple of cd's by a member from tuesday night's meeting - speakers from conferences - and can i tell you? i am getting so much out of listening to these ladies speak. the first one was a hoot, but the second one -- omg. she comes from an abusive past and has spoken of things in her childhood that i have not suffered, but some of which i have, and her experience is all but turning on lightswitches for me. i have lived almost my entire life as a victim of something i couldn't quite put my finger on and i am certainly (a) tired of being the victim, even though i have never seen it quite like this before, and (b) ready to do something about it.

even the readings from Nouwen over the last few days have addressed that. do you think God is trying to get my attention on something?

i had called my sponsor prior to retiring for the night and told her what i was learning from the cd's. amazingly, she had gone through the same type of childhood events as i did and recommended yet another book which i, of course, ordered this morning for the price of $.01 (shipping was a tad more, but the total came to $4.00...even if i hate the book, i can donate it without guilt.)

i figure i will at least be well-read :)

all of this can be quite overwhelming but instead of going back to bed and pulling the covers up over my head, i think i'll finish my coffee, watch the news and go about my day. i am grateful to have a sponsor, supportive family, and old and new friends (here) that are an incredibly important part of my life that want me well.

i am ready to get better.

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