Forewarned: I am having a “head” day.
I went to my meeting this morning and for the second day in a row, shared something that has been on my heart. I have been thinking about going off of (via my doctor’s advice) my Effexor and just being “clean” for the first time in my life. It scares me shitless, honestly, but I have not been off of all substances for years and am at a point where I am wondering if it is time.
Years, I tell ya.
So I shared it. And I got blasted – can you imagine my mortification? One of the ladies said, just as I was finishing up, “you should maybe talk to your doctor, not any of us about this!!” and was really quite snarky. My friend who was sitting across from me at the table shot me a look because I said “I didn’t realize I was at the U.N.” because every other meeting I have attended, nobody has ever made anyone feel like crap for sharing something that was really on their hearts.
My first thought was “I will probably not share for a long time…” I did so this morning because we were talking about fear a lot and this was something I have been considering; not to mention the fact that what I take is a mood-altering substance (honestly, it is), although it may not be considered a “narcotic.” She approached me after the meeting to qualify what she said, and probably dug me in deeper because she said “never bring that up at a meeting again!” She has been in recovery for over 7 years and has a good deal of sobriety, so I am taking more than a moment to think about what it was that she said to me and not her delivery. I didn’t share overtly sexual thoughts or try to tell people how romantically I think about alcohol. I don’t know where I screwed up and I swear to God, I am not being the victim here. I am trying to look at this objectively and not from my typical victim’s-view.
She just now called me again to further clarify her point. I am now wondering why she is bending over backwards to try to make her point with me? I am not daft. I am trying to work my program and she has given me “first step” suggestions which are helpful and she said she would be a transitional sponsor if I feel my sponsor (my in-skin one, not my cyber-one) is not right for me; for the record, she doesn’t feel she is, but she can’t make that call.
Is it any wonder I am in my head?
One of the things she said was between the preamble and the “Our Father,” there is a lot shared that indicates we are all in the throes of our illness and that some are sicker than others; take what you need and leave the rest.
I am rambling again. I have been so introverted over the past few years that I would rather isolate and sit on a couch alone than to share what I shared today. And look where it got me.
Back on the couch.