Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Albrecht Durer
Melencolia

~~~
Step Two is all about a Power Greater than Ourselves restoring us to sanity. my power is God in the person of Jesus Christ with a bit of help from the Holy Spirit.

but y'all knew that already.

thing is, i was wondering where They All were yesterday? busy with you folks?

i am not sure what happened, but i went from about 85 to 0 in roughly 15 seconds. i had [yet another] meltdown.

we closed our restaurant on february 25, 2007. i effectively unplugged my external drive which maintained my quickbooks because if i had to reconcile anything else, i would have probably contemplated suicide because after 7 1/2 years of handling the books and management by myself, i thought it would be a more rational idea than the other. that was about 9 months and one computer crash ago.

as best as i can recall, there was no "installation cd" for the external drive. you simply plugged it into a USB port and voila, you have another drive for your computer (which has your quickbooks in it). since we got the postcard for nick the accountant last week, and since 2 days after payday we are already in the red with buying a very small grocery order, it is time to get our taxes done and hopefully have a bit of a refund. (won't even mention the fact that state farm canceled our car insurance because we were "late" three times in the past year and we needed to pay $1600 in fully by midnight 2/16. helpful that i opened the freaking envelope yesterday, 2/17.)

so i plug in the external drive and every single port i attempt to plug it into, i get the same message: you're a loser and you should stop trying.

kidding.

something about the port being unrecognizable by windows and clicking "here" for a message that was even further meaningless.

i have been through every software cd we own. there are no installation cds for this drive. i thought i'd go into the attic and at least pull the paperwork (bank statements, tax folder) to get ready and it was nightmarish. i am not the best bookkeeper to ever walk the earth, so i won't even get into my organizational skills when it came to keeping my records.

i am an alcoholic and my life became unmanageable sums it up quite nicely.

so now i have to face the music. i melted down for about an hour, contemplated leaving this earth so at least my husband could have the insurance money and be able to pay the bills off and have a little left over...text-messaged a friend about the difference between "letting go and letting God" and burying your head in the sand and received what i thought at the time was a rather glib response of "faith"... thought about smoking a cigarette for the umpteenth time in a matter of weeks... considered stopping at a bar and doing shooters...had many, other thoughts that are unprintable in such polite company.

other than the text-messaging with my friend (who was not being glib, he was just succinct...), none of the other thoughts came to fruition. i guess i should be thankful, but am simply melancholy at this point.

jimbo is going into the attic today and pulling everything out that appears to be boxed years of cafe and i will cull through them tonight. the alternative is to obtain statements from the bank at $5/pop (which would equal $30 that we simply don't have right now), try to get online with the treasury and see if they have maintained copies of my sales tax filings (which they should since i did it all electronically), calling my former payroll company and obtaining the quarterly report for the first quarter of 2007 (at a fee), and jim has the dubious task of calling state farm today and saying "wtf??"

i know that this is the part in my sharing where i am supposed to say i am grateful i didn't pick up a drink, i am grateful for this program, i am grateful that i have my life. i am none of these things today, if i am to be honest, and all i can do is show up and listen at my meeting this morning.

but honest to God, if this is any indication of how my life is going to be for the balance of my days, i really don't know if i can do this. i feel as though everything is such a mess, and as i wipe the fresh tears as they roll down my face, i can only say that if God cannot restore me to sanity, i count the last 78 days as a loss.