she travels a lot, but that is not a problem because we are in touch so often. we schedule our "get together to do step-work" time and have had one such meeting; next meeting is on april 9th. it is a humbling and grace-filled time, and i am blessed.
so she has given me some pretty stringent instructions to follow in a certain area. i am balking at it, there must be an easier way? but no, she is firm and steadfast, so i have followed her advice this past week and haven't acted out on a certain behavior. out of the blue, on my way to my morning meeting, i wanted to reach out for a certain person, the one she told me that i really should not reach out for, regardless of how "harmless," so i text-messaged her instead and said i missed my friend and that i was having a tough time of it.
sort of like when God told me i was never to have a drink again. the first week was a bit of a cake-walk, but the second week when i woke up and had a tough time in my head, i heard "start going to AA meetings." and so i went. this morning, tought time in my head, text-messaged my sponsor and we talked at length about why she gave me a certain directive, and if it "wasn't a problem" like i had reassured her last week, what was the matter this week?
it's addictive behavior. if i were told never to drink orange juice again, it would not be a problem for me because i am not addicted to orange juice. and so i thought about drinking until week 2. so the addictive behavior spills over into other avenues of my life, of which i was already aware, but because i am particularly vulnerable in the area of "men," i need to be hypervigilant and follow her counsel when i really want to exclaim, "What an order! i can't go through with it!!"
and i will be honest: i don't like it. not one bit. but that is how addiction works on me: it is based on a lie. it tells me things i want to hear, sneaks up on me and tells me that it is okay to do that "thing," and further worms its way into me and before i know it, has a freaking death grip around my heart.
and my mind.
and my soul.
my sponsor has also told me that when i have that mental block with God when He is trying to lead and guide me into a certain truth, instead of putting my hand up and saying "i don't want to hear it," put my hand down and say, "ok, Lord - what is it you want to teach me?" physically put my hand on the table and resign myself to listen.
instead of listening, i want to justify, qualify, debate, have my own way. but whose way got me to be where i am?
time to put the hand down, turn my ear toward God. and listen.