mirror, mirror

humanness was the topic of our morning meeting - taken from our Daily Reflections, we read:

We finally saw that the inventory should be ours, not the other man’s. So we admitted our wrongs honestly and became willing to set these matters straight. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 222

Why is it that the alcoholic is so unwilling to accept responsibility? I used to drink because of the things that other people did to me. Once I came to A.A. I was told to look at where I had been wrong. What did I have to do with all these different matters? When I simply accepted that I had a part in them, I was able to put it on paper and see it for what it was - humanness. I am not expected to be perfect! I have made errors before and I will make them again. To be honest about them allows me to accept them - and myself - and those with whom I had the differences; from there, recovery is just a short distance ahead.

honestly, my problem isn't the taking of responsibility for the things i have done -- it's taking my responsibility along with everybody elses' -- you see, i really have had pretty low expectations on a lot of matters, other than when i was concerned. i have very high expectations of myself, high standards for the way i should conduct myself and my life. it just so happens when i screw up, i know it pretty much immediately and spend the better part of the balance of whatever is left in my day reflecting on it and hammering away at myself.

no, 'tis not the pity pot on which i sit. it is quite another pot altogether.

where did this perfection-disappointed-in-my-self-loathing come from? i wish i knew.

i told my home group this morning that i actually only look in the mirror to fix my hair and make-up. i could no sooner look at myself in the mirror for any extended period of time than i don't have a good analogy to finish this off, but you know what i am saying. i am not a primper, not a shopper. if i find something i like, and they have more than one color of same (i.e., a shirt) then i will buy two different colors. i hardly try on clothes. i would rather buy it and try it on at home, away from the glaring light of the stores and full-length mirrors, and take it back if it is not the correct size/shape/color.

what is this all about? i probably need to talk to my therapist about it, but it is where i am. the alcohol opened me up in different areas of my life, made me acceptable, made me have bravery where none was needed, but a lack of morals where some were most assuredly necessary. now i have no alcohol, but am left with my self.

this has been a really difficult week, and yes, i pulled the thread.

i have my self. i want so much more for myself! i don't want to be so hard on myself. i want to forgive myself, right my wrongs, live my life "joyous, happy, and free!" freedom from the bondage that has had me ensnared. i am the type of person that will nurture and love you to death. i know i should love my neighbor as myself, but am glad i don't depend upon that because from the way i see it, i love my neighbors way more than i do my self.

i am thankful, however, that God doesn't see the same distorted reflection as i do. i am confident He sees a beautiful child of His who will come to know that she is loved, regardless of how broken and in shards her life seems to be at times.

God, help me.

(and just so you don't think this was a fishing expedition, i am turning the comments off on this one...)