A Conference of Street Creatures - The Domestic Version

my thoughts feel like this title. i am uncertain if the picture matches my words, but the title may grab you, the photograph confuse you, my words retain you.

or not.

i am not happy. i am sure there is no where in Scripture where Jesus said He wanted penni to be happy, i know there is JOY, but i am pretty certain that is something else altogether. i watched the Tudors today and Queen Katherine of Aragon said she preferred sorrow over happiness -- Sir Thomas More inquired as to why (Jeremy Northam, fyi...) and she said because when you experience happiness, you tend to forget about God. when you experience sorrow, God is with you always.

He may be with me, i am just not *feeling* it.

i had 4 months of sobriety at the beginning of the month. if this is what the rest of my life looks like, i am sure God will be with me an awful-friggin-lot.

edited to add: last night, we went to the 6:30pm Mass. i knelt in prayer the entire time prior to the start and literally felt my heart crying out to God, asking Him for His help to get me through (yet another) bout of depression. my heart is literally aching out of my chest at this point, so the words i kept repeating were "only You, God. only You." i just wish i *felt* Him more.

the Gospel reading was taken from Luke 24, more commonly known to us common folk as the Scripture reading on the Road to Emmaus. this is one of those really awesome post-Resurrectional readings that make me scratch my head and say "how could they not know it was Him?" and it was described in a new way last night as the first liturgy - reading of the Scriptures, breaking of the bread. however, Fr. Malcolm put a whole new spin on by relating to how they had been grieving and how even in their darkest moments....pain, anger, frustration, disillusionment, being distraught, bitterness of soul, despair....that He was always with them.

"the same way He is with you." he said something like, "in sadness, gladness." sort of like my Katherine of Aragon quote, above.

He is with me. if i never felt Him before, i felt Him last night and simply cried the balance of the Mass.

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