you know, from friday i went right into saturday (as did most of you folks) and another newer-comer than i who i have been keeping in touch with that is a youngin' (25) called me in the afternoon and confessed she had the thought of a drink. we talked for about 45 minutes, the thoughts passed, she had good, sober plans to hang out with her girlfriend's aunt and children, walk on the boardwalk, go to her mother's for dinner and a meeting at 8. i told her to call me after her meeting and we would talk on her ride home.
she called me, but not until 12:15 a.m. and said she picked up. that she blew off the aunt, went to "buy lottery tickets at the liquor store," and one thing led to another and she got loaded.
as with my pizza adventure from a few weeks ago, there are other places to buy lottery tickets. she fully planned what she was doing and then called me after the fact. i stayed up and on the phone with her until 1 a.m., she promised she would come to the morning meeting and we hung up.
i was bummed. i am not going to lie, i was really, really bummed. i know i have no power to keep anyone sober, just as i have no power to make anyone drink. i just love this girl and want the best for her. to her credit, she did come to the meeting (with sunglasses on) and stayed. i asked her about her plans for the day and she said she had things to work out with her girlfriend during the afternoon. i told her i would go to as many meetings with her that she felt she needed to hit yesterday; i called her around 5 to see how she was doing -- she was going to babysit for her sister so no more meetings that day.
my sponsor rents space in my head. i heard her say "leave that girl alone, now." so i will. i can be here if she needs me, but it isn't my responsibility to continuously follow up with her or whatever. and being the "fixer of all things," it is really difficult to sit on my hands. but i will. (except to type :)
i am learning a lot from these situations and know i will be learning more. in talking with some of my "high sobriety" folks yesterday, most of them echoed the same thing: God may be putting them in my path to keep it green for me. i don't know why He is doing so and probably never will. i just know that alcoholism is truly cunning - it will lie to you; baffling - catch you completely off-guard; and powerful - make you go weak at the knees and throw everything aside when you thought you had things going on.
and it sucks.
i no longer want to drink. i haven't for the last two or three weeks and all i can do is thank God my obsession was lifted. i pray it remains so.