awake.

Cheer With No House
Originally uploaded by toddland

woke up an hour before the alarm and laid in bed, thinking.

i am awake. sleep eludes me.

i lay and talk to God, wonder why He has remained so silent over the past few weeks (other than when He told me to stop drinking). i am learning how to *feel* my feelings without wanting to drink because of them. i continue forward in spite of them.

i told a dear friend yesterday i don't know what i can do to escape these bouts of depression. i am back with my therapist, have a great sponsor, go to meetings daily, am eating healthy and now going to the gym (and have, as of last night, lost 7.6 pounds...i started last saturday, but failed to weigh until tuesday, so it may be more). i read, i pray all the time, i attend mass weekly. i am uncertain what more i can do.

i laid there, asking God what more i could do. instead of a hearing reply, i felt the tears come out of nowhere, and my hand wiping tears away. my relationships have changed. some for the better, some for the worse. or maybe the most significant one has been like this all along?

only now, i am awake.