stream of consciousness post

Originally uploaded by moominsean
am totally struggling right now.

made it through the weekend -- i think i am soul-sick. i have felt under the weather since friday and really, other than the party i HAD to attend on saturday and entertaining my dear son and his bride yesterday, i totally isolated. because i didn't "feel" well.

went to meetings, talked to other alcoholics right after the meeting, but then went home and isolated.

i am really struggling.

i am doing what i am supposed to be doing, save for the journaling. i know i should journal more. i know i should keep a running "gratitude" list. i know i should "act as if." i know i should reach out to the still suffering alcoholic and help someone.

(tough to do if nobody is around.)

[i did, however, have a burst of text messages and telephone calls when i sent into the universe by text message i was having a bit of an hellacious time at the party i attended saturday and couldn't escape from. if one more freaking jell-o shot was placed under my nose i would have gotten my freak-out on. things leveled out after my SOS, thank you God.]

thing is, while things are seemingly normal on the home front, things couldn't be more abnormal. am still feeling very undesirable and undesired. utilitarian. regardless of how often i mention it or request we talk about it or work it out, it is pushed to the sidelines and all conversations are over. i read in other blogs how physically "connected" the recover-ee is feeling to their spouse and just sigh.

is this it?
is this what sobriety has brought me to?
is this seriously it?

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