confrontations are never easy, but are at times necessary. yesterday was a good case in point.

after speaking with two sages on the phone prior to my AA meeting (which i ended up chairing!), i had breakfast with 3 ppl from the meeting, as well as one of their daughters, who is 16 years old and has autism. my one girlfriend gave me prior notice while we were standing in line, and i told her i had never met anyone with autism, but was fine with it?

can i tell you what a joy she was? pure joy. question after question she had, and when you responded, you had the sense that she looked deep within you for the answer. she would analyze what you said and while you may have had to repeat it, once she understood, you knew it would stay with her forever.

my girlfriend said "i didn't want you to feel unsupported," referencing nellie's being with us. i said "God sends me exactly who i need -- this was a God thing for me, i am grateful to know her!" i am really hoping i see her again; she was brilliant.

i am uncertain how this event segued into my day-long conversations with my daughter, only God does. we had long discussions of the dis-ease of alcoholism and how it runs in our family, regardless of whether she thinks i have a problem or not. (for the record, up to that point, she has been in utter confusion as to why i attend AA meetings because as i have stated in the past, my children have never seen their mother beyond tipsy.) i also informed her that even though she does know a bit about my past, there are terrible things i have chosen not to share with her that would more than convince her that i had a problem.

and even though my smoking dope started at an age younger than her present years, my drinking was not long to follow and she most assuredly doesn't want to follow in my footsteps.

i found out that she did drink that night. she joined right along with her friends, however not imbibing as much as her one girlfriend (molly had 3 shots...3 shots too many). she swears she will never do it again, even though at this moment i already know that to be a falsity - my trust has been broken. she wanted to be punished and while her father and i are still discussing what the appropriate punishment should be, the initial ones handed down were that nobody is at our house when we are not, and she is not allowed to go to any house where there are no parents if two or more are gathered. that seemed to take a lot of wind out of her sails, especially when i stated that if i didn't know who the "friend" was, it would prompt a phone call to the parents to introduce myself and see if they would be home. (that actually elicited a tremendous eye-roll and a heavy sigh...)

she was contrite and remorseful. one of her girlfriends in the pictures sent me text messages all day, she was mortified and thought i would hate her. i told her that i know how intelligent these girls are and that i just want them to make better choices for themselves. that i still loved each and every one of them that i have known since kindergarten.

by the way -- i found out it was Baccardi rum, and molly had "no idea where it came from." short of waterboarding, i don't believe she would have ever given up the source as her loyalty line runs extremely deep.

:: sigh ::

i am feeling better today as the headache has finally lifted. i am grateful to God that i found out when i did and am going to be a bit more hypervigilant when it comes to my daughter's whereabouts.

all i can do is be the person God wants me to be. i was in prayer pretty much all day yesterday, seeking God's grace and receiving it like a mist during different moments. i thank those of you who commented, emailed me, and spoke to me on the telephone [as well as their husbands!]. you were like a salve to my aching heart.